Marcus's Secret Diary
by roxypony
Summary: UPDATED. A series of insights into the unexpectedly interesting life and times of everyone's favourite expressionless assistant to the High Commander. I try to follow the series storyline for the most part. Some OOC. Some crack. All fun.
1. Anna's Bitch

Hey! I'm new to the V fandom, I was on a flight last week and the only interesting thing playing on the seat TVs just happened to be the first 2 episodes of season 1, and the rest is history! The show is incredibly amazing and I adore the characters. I actually felt sick when I found out there might not be season 3 but I try not to think about that :/

For some reason I have a thing for Marcus, I mean he's such a firecracker of personality! But seriously, I was dissapointed there wasn't much love for him on , so I decided to pay homage in the way I know best... a bit of light-hearted humour :)

I got the idea for this fic within watching the first few episodes... as I watched, I was like ...what's he thinking right now? What's going on behind that...um...expression? Obviously this is going to be totally OOC. Not a serious story by any stretch, just for fun. There's some great fics in this section but not much humour. This is my little contribution :)

Enjoy!

* * *

We're going on a trip, she said.

This is going to be fun, she said.

I'll even bring the snacks, she said.

This isn't fun. And I should have known she wouldn't share the snacks.

But the trip part, that was true. And let me tell you, it's been one long-ass trip. I spent the majority of it **A) **playing Go Fish with Joshua. I swear, I'll beat him yet. **B) **practising making faces in the mirror. Hey, everyone needs a bit of me-time! Plus I'm not allowed to have a facial expression when Anna is in the room. And **C) **being Anna's #1 Bitch.

Yeah, that's my nickname. It's supposedly a big secret, however I've known about it...well, for as long as I've been Anna's bitch! Maybe they could have kept it a secret if some dumbass didn't start giggling every time I step into the room, thus leading to someone repeating it slightly louder, then more giggles, then ultimately someone more or less yells it across the room...and before you know it - boom. Labelled. Sometimes the immaturity of our species is truly shocking. I mean, come on. I am NOBODY'S bitch! Sure I always do what she tells me, often do her dirty work, occasionally pick up her dry cleaning, and listen to her nag about...um, everything. I remember this one time I wore a tie that was the identical shade of chartreuse as her dress to a party where (nobody told warned me!) matching was a bad thing. I never heard the end of it and I was never even allowed to wear it again...and it was my favourite!

Holy shit. I _am _her bitch.

Note to self. Writing in a diary makes one realize terrible things.

Anyway, I've been told we're getting close to this 'Earth' place. But then again, that's what she said last week. And the week before that, etc etc. Still not entirely sure what Earth is. New restaurant? Hope so. You'd think V science could whip up more than just fruit...one can only eat so many apples in a lifetime. But I digress, as I tend to do. What was I saying? Earth. Based on what Anna says, it's gonna be the most fun we've ever had. Based on my personal opinion...can we go home yet? Anna has not yet arrived at the conclusion that I might possibly be slightly more excited about this endeavor if I only had half a clue what the dealio is! It's not easy being me. Getting vague statements that kinda sound like orders as if I'm supposed to read her mind and then walking out of the room to formulate a plan-thing and basically bullshit my way through it and hopefully not get skinned at the end of the day... That would be my job description. Oh, and all she ever does is stare out of windows and look smug.

Hey look - we're about to pass some blue and green thinger. Apparently it's Earth, judging by how everyone else is suddenly cheering. I wasn't expecting it to be so...blue and green. And it smells like... I'm not entirely sure what that smell is, but I intend to find out, unless my bitch duties get in the way...

Well, suprise suprise, I'm being summoned to the control room. I hate when she calls my name on the freakin' intercom. She sounds like she's eating the mic. Seriously? A spaceship full of ridiculously advanced technology and she uses the P.A. system. SOMEONE won't admit she threw out the instruction manuals for everything else...

My name is Marcus. I'm Anna's bitch. And this is my story.

* * *

This was a short chap, just a little intro. The chapters aren't gonna be incredibly long, but they'll probably be a bit longer than this one. I'll update...soon, if you want :) Also I promise to make ANs shorter.

If you liked it, please please review! Again, this is my first V fic. I come from a fandom that I've been writing almost exclusively for almost 3 years and I'm totally at home there, so posting into a new section feels really intense :P If you have suggestions or CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, I'd love to hear it. But I don't have time for flamers. If you didn't like it, instead of bitching, just go do something else and make up for the wasted minute you spent reading it ;)

I was a bit hesitant to post this, I'm not sure how good it is but my New Years resolution was to invade at least 1 new fandom, so I revised the chapter till I was fairly happy with it, because I figured, it's now or never!

Thanks for reading :)


	2. Style Icons and Tie Troubles

Good evening :) I didn't think I'd update within a day, but I suprise myself sometimes. These chapters are quick to write though...once I start, it all comes together.

I personally don't like this one quite as much as the last one, however it is a bit longer. I'm really looking forwards to future chapters because I have some specific events in mind :)

Thanks a million to **Reptile Princess, Woah, Ithileon, **and** Poutik** for lovely reviews! 4 in less than 24 hours, that makes me proud :)

PS, I do not own V, Lady GaGa, Ke$ha, or Justin Bieber.

Anyway Marcus, I won't keep ya waiting.

* * *

Yo. What up, Earth?

Just kidding. I don't talk like that. I'm not allowed.

Where did I leave off? Right, I was summoned off for a consultation. About freaking time. I've never been so happy to arrive somewhere. Like I said, seriously getting sick of apples and Go Fish.

So I get down to Anna's little dictator room, and -suprise, suprise- she's in the process of deciding what to wear for the first broadcast. She's looking for something the human population can relate to. She asks my opinion, but unfortunately I don't have enough basic knowledge to supply a bullshit answer on women's clothes. She glares at me, which I take to mean "Go figure it out...bitch."

So I scamper (no, actually I only walk. Scampering isn't allowed.) off to the master computer room where I search "popular human women". There's about a gazillion results regarding a "Lady GaGa" a "Ke$ha" and a "Justin Bieber" so I gather information on aforementioned famous women and report back to Anna.

She makes her Well-Done-Marcus-You-May-Have-A-Cookie face (not than I've ever actually _gotten_ a cookie) and proceeds compile an outfit based upon the information I have supplied. She decides to take ideas from each of the "style icons."

First step, the Bieber Hair. This doesn't turn out exactly how she planned, so she loses some of the bangs. A wise decision.

Next, the Ke$ha makeup. Everyone else was busy gathered by the windows, creeping earth with binoculars so this left Joshua and myself to figure out the makeup designs. Neither of us are skilled in this department, but between my suggestions and his dexterity (he's good with his hands. Gets plenty of practice skinning folks left and right) we were able come up with a fairly accurate Ke$ha look.

Now for the GaGa raw meat dress. Anna was just deciding which servant to disembowel and wear (I chose this moment to escape for a bathroom break) when Lisa stepped in and diffused the situation by playing a clip of GaGa music and asking, _is that really the message we want to be sending? _Followed by a sampling of a Ke$ha song, and _seriously guys, makeup isn't supposed to look like someone's face got gang-raped by crayons. Don't be fooled, Ke$ha is not a style icon._

Well, forgive us manly men for not knowing how perform a makeover. I'd be much more worried if we'd done a _good_ job.

Anyway, with the appearance disaster averted, Anna then briefed us on the purpose of our mission to Earth -finally, some answers as to the point of this road trip! The moment I'd been waiting for! Unfortunately, while she was talking I glanced out the window and spied a cloud formation that looked rather like a body part, so that kept my attention occupied for the duration of her speech, and I pretty much left without a further clue as to what we were doing here.

Joshua and I were then free to snatch up out binoculars and spy out the windows. We appeared to be descending over a largely populated area with a dense variety of humans. How interesting...not really. We came here for THIS? There's gotta be something more... Guess I should have been paying attention...

We spied around some more, not seeing anything truly remarkable. Some dumbass driving a wheeled thing on a sidewalk, a big black guy dodging plane wreckage -hey, he looks familiar. Isn't he that guy who - WOW look at those clouds! What was I talking about? Never mind.- a fat kid huddling under a table by a window in medical place, a white building with lots of stairs and Ke$ha-look-alikes crowding around, some blonde lady bitching out guys in green outfits... Nah, nothing interesting to see here.

So Anna makes her big announcement, conveniently forgetting to mention a certain very helpful second-in-command named Me. The little humans look completely bamboozled. That's Anna's biggest talent -aside from looking smug while staring out windows- sounding like a positively warm and delightful person while she's probably thinking about how much fun she's going to have skinning/eating them alive or whatever she's planning. Now I really wish I'd paid attention. Gah.

Joshua and I fit in one last game of Go Fish (I almost beat him. I was SO close.) before it was time to change into my spiffiest suit and my infamous chartreuse tie (Hey- new planet, new start, right?) and then it was off to the shuttle to present ourselves to the humans in a place called the "U.N."

I asked what U.N. stood for, but all I got was an strict order to go put on a different tie because apparently being on a different planet is no excuse to bring that "abomination" out of hiding. Come on, she wasn't even wearing the matching dress! I have rights too!

Well, I just swapped my chartreuse tie for an even more exciting one - solid black. Joy. Now I'm about to head down to the shuttle - for the second time. Assuming Anna is satisfied with my attire and I don't get skinned on the spot, it's off to Earth for us!

PS, That smell is getting stronger - smells like engine grease, with salt...and...other stuff? It's actually kind of alluring in a repulsive way. First chance I get, I'm going after it! Maybe I'll even bring some blue energy grenades, cuz you never know! Plus, Anna never lets me play with the fun stuff...this is my excuse to bring out the big toys!

Crap, I'm being summoned - again. What IS her attachment to that obnoxious P.A. system?

Here I go!

* * *

Any guesses as to what the smell is?

In case you didn't know...chartreuse is a limey green colour. ;) Also I hope the dollar signs in Ke$ha's name show up. Sometimes this site doesn't show symbols, but Im sure youll be able to figure it out!

Yeah, the next chapter will be MUCH funnier - in my opinion anyway.

Thanks for reading, please leave a review :)

RXP


	3. Shuttle Time

Part 3!

Thanks to my reviewers!

**Reptile Princess** hell yeah Bieber is a girl! The little shithead is from my hometown :/ his nasty little germs are in my school library.

**Ithileon** Bwahaha me too. I already laugh every time I see him ... xD

**Anna Maria** Lmfao! Hope you held it in ;)

Thanks guys, hope you keep them coming :) they make me happier than Hobbes with heavy explosives.

I don't own V, Youtube, Fred (the kid who sounds like he eats helium), Soulja Boy, 2 Girls in 1 Cup (never seen it. heard terrible things.) or any other random stupid things I mention.

Enjoy!

* * *

A brief update coming to you live from the...um...shuttle. For lack of a more interesting name. A few years back, some poor moron suggested giving each of the shuttles code names...if I remember correctly, he got skinned. Poor Larry.

Oh! This one is #29. Says so on the seat cushions...'Property of Shuttle 29'. Y'know...in case someone decides to make off with a seat cushion. They won't make it too far. So don't worry. We got this.

Anyway...currently en route from Mothership to Earth. Been in the shuttle for a whole 4 minutes and Anna has kicked me out of the back window seat, made me tell the pilot to change the radio station twice, and now she's hogging the basket of complimentary peanuts.

Not that I even like peanuts, but she could have asked if I wanted to partake. And she could order her minions to stock these things with more than freakin' peanuts.

I asked her this.

She gave me an evil smirky glare, then went back to staring smugly out the window. Like I said - it's her only specialty.

And since discussing complimentary shuttle food doesn't involve windows or smugness, I guess that makes it my job.

On a side note, human radio (which is currently blasting at a harmful decibel level in this shuttle) is...um...I'll call it a 'culture shock' to avoid hurting feelings. But seriously, what the heck is a Shawty, a G6, or a Homie? We prepared for the english language, not whatever these people are "singing". I commented as such, and Lisa informed me that it is called "wrap music" or something. Which I completely do not understand on any level. Sigh... If the hearing radio crap blasting from every corner on the ship wasn't bad enough, some genius (I say that sarcastically) hacked into the human internet and introduced "Youtube". Had Anna not started passing out death threats, we'd all still be locked in the monitor room with our eyes glued to the Fred channel, among other things. I heard about a guy who watched '2 Girls In 1 Cup'...and immolated himself immediately after.

I wouldn't be suprised if Anna's first targer is the founder of Youtube. Right before we got on the shuttle, we walked in on a herd of assistants dancing the Soulja Boy. DISTURBING. Luckily, I didn't have to stick around and help with the skinnings...that's Joshua's job.

I guess this day could be worse. I actually get my own seat...even though it's the lumpy one with the 8-year-old stain. Sure I don't have an in-flight snack, or a working elbow rest, and this pilot just made a completely half-assed attempt at a landing causing my head to smack against the window and put a dent in my hair... but hey, at least I have...um...this cool suit. What a suit it is...3 whole pockets! Just for me!

Anyway here we are at the U.N. Every time I ask what that means, she says something like, "All in due time." or "What do _you _think it means?" or "Shut up Marcus, can't you see I'm eating peanuts?"

Now we're about to go outside meet the peopl-holy shit I really need to find out where that smell is coming from. The doors have opened, I can taste the oxygen! And smell...all kinds of crap. (not to mention the other mysterious odour) Anna has her smirky smug prepped and ready to go, and I...well, I'll be walking a few steps behind her, looking intimidating. Or at least slightly irritable.

Marcus out.

* * *

Well my Friday night plans got cancelled so I'm about to throw together chapter 4! If I don't post it tonight, hope you all have a good night ;)

Hey - I'm thinking of changing the title of this... The Marcus Files. Iunno. Does MSD sound better? TMF? MSD? Any other suggestions?

RXP


	4. FML!

Entry #4! I think it might be my favourite so far.

I don't own FML. BUT I LOVE IT.

Enjoy!

* * *

My first impression of humans:  
Wow, some of these guys have extremely killer suits. Jealous!

Second impression:  
Calm the fuck down, folks! What's so terrific about a sinister-smiley lady with Bieber hair?

Third impression:  
I'M GONNA BE ON TV!

I watched the recording later - thanks Joshua! At least SOMEONE knows how to work the PVR.

You can't really tell from the video footage...but inside I'm dying of excitement. Really! No one ever believes me..

And then, they go in for a nice close-up on the oh-so-fascinating Bieber lady, and yep that's me in the background. See? The thing that looks like a blurry...rock? That's me! I'm serious. Me. All me. At least until the camera pans around and I dissapear behind her inflated head. There I am again, coming out on the other side! And there's a nice little group shot of us...I'm only half obscured by Anna. That's pretty good. Usually she eclipses all of me like the frigging sun. Whatserface standing behind me looks kinda constipated. And buddy behind her...well, he looks like he's about to sneak his hand somewhere where hands shouldn't sneak on national TV.

"We are of peace. Always." *insert smirk* she says.

Um, LIES. She was not of peace when I spilled crumbs on her white desk thing. Or the tie incident. Or when she caught Samuel using his work screen for online dating. Or when I put her washing mashine on high rinse instead of medium. Or when me and the boys showed up at a meeting with a hangover last year. Or - you get the picture.  
Anna = not of peace.

Well, back to watching me on TV. There we are marching spiffily through the hall by the guys with the little hats...

For some reason right now I have a feeling that out there somewhere, a kid with a stupid haircut is watching this intently.

...Let's get a big SHUT UP from the people holding up the thingies and asking questions. Buddy, if I don't get answers, do you really think she's gonna tell you shit?

I'd love to tell these fellas where they can shove their mics and their scientists, but unfortunately I'm not allowed to open my mouth under any circumstances.

Enter Chad Decker. Mouthy little shit with funny hair. Kinda reminds me of me. Minus the height and intimidating persona. Oh - and he's allowed to make facial expressions the likes of which have never happened to me.

Leave it to Anna to be on Earth 5 whole minutes and go all fuzzy with a brand-new crush. Typical. One sucker-up compliment and she's long gone. FML I can just see it now...I know what she's gonna be talking about for the next 24 hours every day for the rest of my life.

"Is there such a thing as an ugly Visitor...?"

Dumbass! Can you not see the chick standing right beside me? Not Anna. The one with no name. Not to mention the other 2 fellas. Eesh.

"Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

She's not even facing me and I can see that evil little grin through the back of her head.

Chad looks pretty thrilled at this point. Would not be suprised if he was...what do humans say? Shitting a brick. Uh oh, he's smiling at her...making the eyes...great. More ammunition.

Then she walks out. FINALLY. Maybe she sensed I was about to do something drastic, like point hopefully at the door. Yeah. I'd go there!

Oh crap. Just saw on the recording I kinda walked in front of her as she turns around to smile creepily one more time. Maybe she didn't notice... Just in case, I'll blow up the PVR thing when I'm done watching. Hey, I never said I knew how it works. The Delete button is NOT marked.

Well, I saunter (aka walk normally) up to the scheming/dictating room just in time to see-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Chad did NOT just say we have a sense of humour...I gotta rewind that. OH MY - HE DID SAY THAT. Someone sure thinks he's a little expert. Does that blue tie make you feel like a big man? Does it? I think it does.

Apparently Anna thinks so too.

She looks at me with the evil smirk on full blast and informs me...

"I want HIM."

That sounds vaguely like an order, so I leave the room. Iunno if she wants me to run out and find Chad or what, but I don't wanna be in the same room as a lady with a crush. In fact, I'm delighted that I'm not Chad Decker. Because he's as good as fucked, to be totally honest.

_Later that day..._

You know its bad when you're doing paperwork later, she's sitting beside you...and all she's writing is Mrs. Anna Decker in swirly-twirly font with hearts and stars and that all that pansyshit.

Um...aren't these papers supposed to be returned to the U.N.? Since the only reason we're writing on paper rather than screen things is because they are to be returned to the little people?

And we don't have any whiteout. I won't mention this because she will most likely say "You were supposed to take care of the whiteout. When I told you 'Prepare for landing' I meant 'find whiteout'."

Usually I'm pretty good at deciphering vagueness. If I wasn't, it'd be bye-bye skin. But there's a limit. I don't even know what whiteout is.

What's worse is when she writes Mrs. Anna Decker on your hand (aka MY hand. Knew I should have been keeping an eye on it.) and doesn't even realize it because she's busy writing it again for the 39642nd time.

FMarcus'sL IT'S PERMANENT INK.

Option A) Legally change name to Mrs Anna Decker.

Option B) Amputate hand (Joshua? Got a second?)

Option C) Scrub like hell.

Off to explore aforementioned options before the rumours start up.

* * *

Reviiiew please :)

RXP


	5. New Bitch In Town

Well... if you watched 'Concordia' tonight, I'm sure you can imagine how I'm feeling right now. If not, I won't spoil it.

Let's just say I was hyperventilating as soon as I realized what might go down...I guessed about 5 minutes before it happened. FREAKOUT. Then my mom walked into the room so I got myself under control.

I wrote this chapter after watching the episode. Obviously it's not about THAT episode, it follows up directly from the last entry as always.

Thank you, beautiful reviewers :)

**Reptile Princess **I think B would be a safe pick ;) tehehe, Simon's hair... *snicker*. And option A is too awful to even mention :O  
HMM, that is a brilliant idea ;) I was drinking a Monster in class today... amazing stuff. Spazzed lil horny toads. I absolutely love it.

**AlleluiaElizabeth** Thank you so much! That's exactly what I was going for :) I love reading parodies like that, so I try to write them that way as well... and that is an EXCELLENT guess ;) glad someone figured it out. I passed by one today and could still smell it 5 blocks away... no escape!

**Ithileon** Awww shucks :P I'm no genius, I just help Marcus document his innermost thinkings. Omg...ADD would explain so much.  
OF COURSE I WATCHED IT IT WAS SO GOOD :) nope, my TV didn't freeze :O if it had, I'da chucked it off the Mothership.

Again, thank you guys so much :D I don't own V or Twilight *puke*, but I do own Bernard the Mothership Janitor ;)

Marcus: Shut up, my turn to talk.

Enjoy! :)

* * *

GREAT NEWS.

You will be relieved to know that my left hand no longer reads "Mrs. Anna Decker". A bit of flesh removal and a few skin grafts later, it's as good as new. And I assigned our Mothership custodian, Bernard, to the task of inventing a sort of substance that is capable of removing human ink from V hands. Because I went through every last cleaning chemical on this ship and all they gave me was a pretty painful rash. Bernard sure did wait long enough to tell me that the purple goo I was rubbing on my hand was for engine cleaning only. But as I found out, skin grafts can solve just about anything.

Note to self: Chad Decker + engine cleaner disguised as face cream = potentially very entertaining.

Speaking of him, Anna got her hands on a GIGANTIC autographed poster of the guy, which is now framed and hanging in the scheming/dictating room. I swear, the eyes follow you. Oh, and she sleeps with a picture of him under her pillow, kisses it goodnight and everything. Yeah, she told me. Of all the BS she keeps me in the dark about, this is the one glorious little detail I get informed of.

And then, forgive me for not jumping for joy, guess who arrived to conduct an interview in the scheming/dictating room. Then, guess who DESPERATELY needed so much help deciding what to wear to said interview that she bellowed her #1 Bitch's name into the P.A. for the 10 minutes it took for him to sprint from the other side of the ship. And guess who was doing the sprinting followed by the wardrobe advisement. If you guessed Chad, Anna, and Marcus, you would be quite correct. However, only if it was in that exact order.

I like giving fashion advice about as much as I like burnt popcorn.

The burnt popcorn was a gift from Bernard. He said he wasn't having any luck with the ink-removal-solution and he hoped the popcorn would be a token of his apologies. Inedible it may have been, but at least Joshua and I had something to throw at the screen as we watched the Anna x Chad interview from the safety of another room.

However it ended all too soon, and as per usual... Bitch duties called! I got the privelege of walking (faster than usual) up to the little guy to inform him that *insert UGHH* he's basically been stalked -woops, meant to say selected- to be Anna's mouthpiece to the world. Oh, he'll be her 'mouthpiece' alright. And he better hope that's ALL she uses him as. But, knowing her...DOUBT IT.

Congratulations, Chad. There's a new bitch in town, and his name is You.

Please note that you'll be Bitch #2 from here on out.

Because the position of Bitch #1 is filled.

PS. I hereby decree that the duty of Anna's wardrobe advice will be carried out by Bitch #2 from now on. Bitch #1 has more important things on his plate, for example... what are we gonna do with all that burnt popcorn strewn over the floor?

_Later that day..._

So I was solving the popcorn problem by simply opening a window and chucking it out, when it hit me. THAT SMELL AGAIN.

I would not allow it to continue.

I was going to locate the source. Wasn't quite sure what I was going to do once I located it, but hey - these things figure themselves out.

And I got lucky, because it was Girl's Night. Where Anna invites all her chick friends and they lounge in the scheming/dictating room talking about boys and fingernails and hair and clothes and boys and bras as they sip colourful little drink things, re-filled every 10 minutes by...me. Sometimes it gets a little terrifying.

Normally, Girl's Night is a euphamism for Let's-See-How-Many-Times-We-Can-Puke-On-Marcus Night, but tonight she told me my services would not be necessary because the activity of the night was to re-watch the Chad interview till the screen burned out, all the while discussing his teeth, hair, nose, eyes, little chin, and everything else that she finds so terribly appealing. At least she has her godforsaken girlfriends to talk to tonight, as opposed to myself who can't tell the difference between Edward and Jacob. (Yeah - we know about Twilight. Those who read them either joined the cult, or else immolated themselves on the spot.)

What was I saying? Right. Tonight was going to be the best Girl's Night ever. Because Anna would be so preoccupied with oogling Chad that I was free to grab some buddies, a tracker, and a shuttle to make the journey into the land of the freaky smells.

Well, our shuttle appears to be ready to go - the boys are filing in, someone just slapped a sticker on the side; "PARTY BUS". I wouldn't be worried, but it has a :) next to it. You know how Anna feels about emotions...and by extension, emoticons.

Let's hope that's not permanent or someone will lose skin over this.

Meh, I can always blame Bitch #2.

Boy's Night Out, here we come!

* * *

If you happen to be a Father Jack lover, please tell him to PRAAAYYYY that everyone returns _**SAFE AND SOUND**_ to the next episode :/

Sincerely, someone who is very upset and pissed at Hobbes. (and hoping for reviews to make me feel better)

But... on a happier note, tonight is MSD's 1-week anniversary :) I really love writing it and I'm truly happy with the feedback. Keep it coming, you're great :D

RXP


	6. The Golden Upside Down Vs Part 1

Part 6! I did have fun writing this. And I'm still loving the feedback! Amazing, you're AMAZING! :)

**SpaceRoses ** I think you got a reply via PM cuz yours was the only review that wasnt anonymous or blocked hahaa. But still, _"crazy, stressed out personal assistant with tie issues and a fetish for clouds and strange smells that exist behid Marcus's cool facade."_ couldn't have said it better ;) My goal is to make as many people as possible go 'heheheh...Anna's Bitch.' when he's on.;) The poor guy...gets shot and still barely gets to move his face :/

**AlleluiaElizabeth** I LOVE YOUR LONG REVIEWS :) I was gonna reply in detail but your PM is disabled, so let me just summarize that everything you said made me giggle like a ninny :D and yes, his smile is BEAUTIFUL in the few moments we get to see it :) I DID imagine him practising in front of a mirror xD that image was what inspired this fic ;D

**Mo **Aww, youre great too :) I couldn't agree more! If he's not alright, I dunno what I'm gonna do :O but yes, I will keep writing :)

**Ithileon **That's what I was thinking! Still not quite sure yet... Ohhh hellzya, Hobbes will indeed get his gorgeous face in here somewhere :D I can't wait to start putting in all the characters, I loved adding Chad.

Marcus: *death glare* Make that fucker get his own diary. He can stay the hell away from mine.

Buddy. Shut up and concentrating on not dying of a GSW. :/

ALSO, I do not own any of the shows or restaurants I mention. I noticed I make a LOT of references to...stuff, in general. Hmmm. I do however own Bob and Bernard. And I SHOULD own Marcus because I give him more attention than everyone in the world combined... :) But he DOES have a fan page on facebook which made me pretty happy.

Let's go see what that smell was...

* * *

It was tough. It was dangerous. But WE DID IT. We tracked down the terrible and alluring scent and found something beyond our wildest dreams. Our lives would forever be changed after tonight. If only we knew beforehand what we were getting into, maybe we could have been emotionally and mentally prepared...and we probably would have brought some heavy-duty takeout bags. Or an extra shuttle. Or two.

I checked one more time to make sure Anna and her lady friends were fully preoccupied with giggling about the smexy-cutielicious-delectible-adorableness (GAG ME WITH A SPORK) that was Chad Decker. And I'm pretty sure they also had an entire season of Sex And The City on the PVR.

I am positively astounded by some of the things that play on human TVs. I suppose Criminal Minds is alright, and American Idol is entertaining in an apalling way, but I accidentally turned on Jersey Shore the other night and I came very close to immolating myself. And then there's Joshua and his Grey's Anatomy fetish. God help you if you get between him and the screen when that's on. Sometimes I think he doesn't even follow the storyline, he just likes the view of human medical work. The other day he asked (and I quote) ''Do ALL human doctors fornicate in the medical facilities?''. I told him I wasn't quite sure, but I'd let him know as soon as I figured it out.

Anyway, once our PVRs were set to record as much trashy television as could fit in it, we were off to the 'Party Bus :)' to track down the splendid scent. And, guess who was wearing his spiffy chartreuse tie. Take that, Anna!

It's us against the world!

And what a world it was. We popped open the sunroof so the tracker could stick his head out and smell the smell. Trackers have such incredibly heightened senses that the poor fella partially passed out when he caught a whiff of it. Hey, give Bob a break. He's new. I mean, he DID get us there in the end. Sure we almost collided with a few buildings and nearly took out a flock of birds, but suddenly, gleaming right before our eyes, like a beacon of hope amidst the darkness, there it was. The source of the smell that had mystified me for a whole entire...um...week?

It was coming from a pair of giant golden upside-down Vs, glittering in splendour and majesty and all that.

Bob asked me to translate, as he cannot read human.

Boys, welcome to McDonald's.

At first, we watched from afar. No one was sure what exactly this place was. Some guesses included a repair station for vehicles (hence the smell of grease) a weight-loss camp (hence the smell of fat) or a salt factory (hence the smell of..well, salt.)

I googled it. (I just learned about Google yesterday. But that's a story for another time.) and discovered that 'salt factory' was the closest guess. We were all reasonably hungry, since Anna had barred us from the kitchen so we did not steal her pink martinis. As if. Anyway, it was time to move in for the kill.

There's this really interesting concept that no one on our home planet had ever considered before. It's called 'Drive-Thru'.

Vs have been living on Earth for...um...quite a while. Not sure exactly how long, but you'd think they could have stepped in and helped made these Drive-Thrus a little more shuttle-friendly. First we took out the EXIT sign as we came in, then we knocked over the screen that displays the menu, and we might have totalled one or more human vehicles. 'Smart Cars' they were labelled. Not very Smart in my opinion, they're practically ASKING to be run over. When we got to the metal box that emitted a voice, we weren't entirely sure as to what any of the food actually was, so we ordered 6 of everything. However our order may not have even been processed because the box got scorched by the thing under the shuttle that shoots blue fire. I hope I haven't confused you with technical terminology on that one.

And to cap it all off, when we arrived at the pickup window we couldn't open the side hatch without smashing said pickup window. But that didn't stop us.

In hindsight, we probably should have quit while we were somewhat ahead, and left the hatch shut.

However, Bernard had not yet invented a way to time travel (another project I asked him to work on, to no avail) so we put the smoking wreckage of the Drive-Thru behind us, parked our shuttle in the handicap zone despite Joshua whining about not having a sticker, and marched right in beneath the golden upside-down Vs.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED.

RXP


	7. The Golden Upside Down Vs Part 2

First of all, spoilers for this week's episode.

Second of all, WAIT WHAT? I SPEND A WEEK STRESSING AND THEN DON'T EVEN GET A LEGIT ANSWER ON WHETHER MARCUS LIVES OR NOT?

Third of all, duude...they just killed like half the cast. I would have felt really sad about Ryan because he was the first character I really took a liking to (yes, even before Marcus...) but I was so distracted that I didn't realize he was dead till half an hour after the show was over.

Fourth of all, aww Joe :( that was, VERY SAD. I must say.

Five of all, yay Erica for being badass at the end!

Sixth of all, you're probably annoyed by now so I'll skip right to the goods.

Thanks to Mo, Ithileon, and SpaceRoses for beautiful reviews. Also, shoutout to Greendogg for giving me some helpful suggestions :)

This chap is short but we get an unofficial introduction to some very important people ;) See if you can spot them...

It's Marcus time!

* * *

My first thought upon walking into McDonald's:

I can certainly see why this smell carries all the way into space.

My second:

So...people _eat_ here?

We stopped in front of the doorway and stared around. This place was full of 3 things, disturbing clown images, colourful seats, and very interesting humans.

We'd been standing there for approximately 10 seconds when a very small, very round human crashed into Joshua's knees, screamed "WATCH OUT FATSO!" and ran away again.

Joshua definitley wasn't sure what just happened. I think we might have just met our first human child.

We watched his miniature assailent as he scuttled over to a room seperated from us by plate glass, filled with a mixture of colourful tubes and nets and slides and pits containing many balls.

This room was labelled "PLAY PLACE".

"We get to go in there, right?" Were the awestruck words of Samuel.

I told him we would tackle the food first and worry about the PlayPlace later.

We stood in line for all of 30 minutes because the family in front of us had about 10 kids who demanded to test all the Happy-Meal toys before deciding upon ones that were satisfactory. I could sense Samuel getting agitated, so I informed him that we were simply here to forage for food, we wouldn't be getting involved with the toys. He seemed incredibly dissapointed after that.

When we finally did get to the front of the line, Joshua wanted to use the whole opportunity as a learning experience and find out exactly what this food was comprised of, and where it came from. Strangely, the staff seemed unknowledgeable about their products, or else very reluctant to share information.

"Can you at least tell me if it's made fresh on the premises?" Was Joshua's final question before the cashier threatened to call security.

But you don't survive as Anna's Bitch without being incredibly efficient, so I ordered one of everything and quickly ushered the gang away once we'd been given our trays laden with...stuff the likes of which I've never encountered. And I'm from outer freaking space.

Actually, we narrowly escaped getting anything at all, because the 'credit card' (I don't know what it is, Anna handed it to me and said FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY) kept getting declined. But the cashier lady told us the food was free if we'd stop asking questions about where it came from and how it was made.

Crisis averted! Time to make ourselves at home.

Bernard wanted to know whether we should sit at the purple booths beside the PlayPlace, or the lime green bar stools beside the giant TV.

Said TV just happened to be playing an Anna x Chad interview special, so I pointed us in the opposite direction. We made a beeline for a purple section until we heard an earsplitting scream coming from a blonde lady in one of the booths.

"GODDAMMIT TYLER, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR HAPPY MEAL TOY LATER. GO PLAY IN THE BALL PIT AND STOP INTERRUPTING MOMMY. CAN'T YOU SEE SHE'S TRYING TO HAVE AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION WITH THE NICE PRIEST?"

We didn't stay long enough to catch a glimpse of the poor brat she was yelling at, no one wants to get in the middle of a battle with a whiney toddler. So we immediately changed course and ended up next to Anna and Bitch #2's faces on a 72 inch TV.

Joshua and I exchanged a glance. Was this a valuable popcorn-throwing opportunity?

Absolutely.

Despite the fact that we didn't have any popcorn with us, we were happy to subsitute fries, packets of ketchup, strange slimy things that fell out of the burgers, more fries, McNuggets. (I have a lot of questions for whoever invented McNuggets.)

Bernard suggested a new rule to the throwing game: 10 points if you hit their faces. 50 for their mouth. 100 for an eye shot.

Joshua also chipped in an idea: "500 points if you hit Chad square in the -"

At this point I had the sense to clamp my hand over his mouth, because the blonde lady who'd been screaming at her son (what was the name? Travis? Thomas? Termite? I forget) just walked past our table. However, she didn't seem to have a toddler with her, which was strange. All she had was a fellow with a white collar and a big kid with a stupid haircut and a box of fries.

Joshua guessed she must have forgotten the toddler in the ball pit.

Actually, judging by the way the big kid was ripping the wrapper off a Happy Meal toy then mistaking it for a fry and cramming it into his mouth, I figured he _was_ the toddler she'd been yelling at.

Note to self: study human aging time, physical VS mental. Prehaps they do not fully mature until their bodies are completely grown.

Note to self #2: Scratch that. This kid is just really really special.

And I don't mean special in the cute-giggly-inspiring-sob-story way. I mean special in the wall-kicking window-licking clinically-special way.

Well, Mr. Special, Frazzled Blonde Mom, and Guy With White Collar just walked out the door. Guess that's the last we'll be seeing of them. Cheers!

As we raise our glasses, we come to one last shocking revelation: we have unlimited free refills.

Actually the more I see of Earth, the less suprises me, but the rest of the gang was hot for the drinks machine, so I volunteered to guard the remains of our One-Of-Everything meal.

Or, as the cashier so politely referred to it, Heart-Attack-On-A-Tray.

Very suspicious in my opinion. Potentially threatening.

Anna will want this brought to her attention, we'll add 'McDonald's' to the hit list. Right under Wal-Mart. Which is another place I've been meaning to explore...

Then, my Blackberry (something that was just handed to me, I don't know how it works or what its function is) buzzed very loudly and played an obnoxious ring tune that sounded like the Lady GaGa person. How to answer the call was a mystery to me, but the name on the screen was ANNA. In capital letters, like so.

Summoned back to the Mothership, wonderful.

Bitch Duty calls. Quite literally.

* * *

I am making a point of cutting down on the profanity in this story (thanks for the tip Greendogg:) but it wouldn't be complete without the B-Bomb so that one's here to stay. But other than that, I'm cleaning it up a bit.

Also, I've written a much more serious oneshot which is about to be sent off for Beta work (thanks again, GD!) so that should be posted within the next two days, stay tuned! :)

Until next time, thanks for reading and please leave a comment.

RXP


	8. Sittin' on WHAT?

A new fic annnd MSD updation in the space of 24 hours! :D That's what happens when mother nature rains shit (aka snow) up here. Plus I'm in a big Marcus mood this week :) I think I might even be scaring him. Long story short I'm on a writing rampage.

Thanks to **SpaceRoses, Mo, Ithileon**, and **ColdCaseIsMyLife** for beautiful reviews :) Lalalalove youu!

This is a short entry but it's building up to the next one which will be... fun.

Enjoy!

* * *

Now I'm a little preturbed.

I know, I know. Strong words, but I think this situation calls for nothing less.

The way Anna had summoned us back to the Mothership you'd think someone was dying. Or at least something interesting was going down. For example, someone stealing her coffee machine. God help us if she ever has to live without THAT. That's one little bit of human innovation that we don't have back home - the mystifying caffeinated wonderment that is coffee.

But no. Not so much as a security breach.

She simply wanted us to get a good night's sleep...because tomorrow we are..._baby-sitting _.

Actually, Peace Ambassador-sitting. Take the rug-rats on a tour of the ship, show them interesting stuffs, keep them busy, try not to let them fall out a window. Note to self - remind Bernard NOT to open all the windows for cleaning tomorrow. Not that I care if a kid falls out, but lawsuits aren't fun for anyone. I HATE PAPERWORK.

Naturally, we had a few questions for Anna regarding the Peace Ambassador Sitting situation.

Joshua wanted to know if he was allowed to perform medical experiments on aforementioned Peace Ambassadors.

I was curious as to what the purpose of these individuals was, or were they just for 'decorative purposes'? Knowing Anna, I wouldn't be suprised if they were -_gulp, shudder - _Cougar Bait.

Samuel just wasn't clear on the whole concept, he stated as follows and I quote:

"So...we..._sit_ on the Peace Ambassadors?"

Oh, that fellow is going places. Let's hear it for Samuel, everyone.

Anna walked him through the process again. The only reason he didn't get tail-impaled on the spot was because she was in a grotesquely delightful mood after hours of watching Chad and most likely kissing her poster.

Hmmm... Chad Fetish = Happy Anna = The Rest Of Us Keep Our Skins. I think I could get used to that.

Joshua asked if he could at least skin one kid to see what they looked like on the inside. Or use them to test out his new Scours. Or multicoloured immolation pills.

That gave me an idea. We need some crash-test dummies for a new shuttle design. I inquired as such.

When our requests were denied, I managed to suck it up like a man but Joshua adopted an extremely whiney tone and asked if he could at least stick needles in them. Anna suddenly looked interested and asked if she could see him in her office. Hmmmm...

This was suspicious. I shared that thought with Samuel. Knowing Anna, she was formulating some big freaky plan that I won't get let in on till the very last possible second. I very meticulously detailed my theories on what her hypothetical plans might be for these Peace Ambassadors. Samuel appeared to be listening intently, but this possibility was dispersed when he inquired:

"So we stick needles in them _as _we're sitting on them?"

Life would be so great if I just worked alone. I gave him the look Anna gives me when she realizes I've been experimenting with coloured tie-suit combinations.

"Seriously, Marcus. I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Where does the sitting come in?"

I suggested that he didn't waste brain cells worrying about it, someone else (named Me) was more than capable of taking care of any and all sitting duties that may arise and would probably end up doing it single-handedly anyway. Then I told him to go busy himself with something useful... for example, helping Bernard invent Time Travel or Ink Remover.

Well, bed time for me. Wondering what Sitting-related duties are in store for Bitch # 1 tomorrow. Hoping there is actual sitting involved - one gets tired of standing sinisterly in corners all day or running errands to every corner of the freaking ship. And it is a big BIG ship.

Note to self: Get lost on aforementioned ship sometime... just to see what would happen.

* * *

Wellllllll if you watched Birth Pangs last night, you'll know that my special boy is alive, well, and will be back soon! Not like we actually got to SEE him, grrrrr. But we haven't seen the last of dear Marcus! And by extension... his secret diary :)

Actually a few days ago I found pictures from future season 2 episodes which feature him with Anna, all bundled up for winter *squee* so we have PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF that he's not done for :D But still, it was nice to hear it directly from Anna last night.

THANK GOD (Jack must have put in a good word :).

As a closing note, I hope Marcus gets to push Thomas off the Mothership. I. Hate. Thomas. The tie pwns the turtleneck without trying.

As an actual closing note, please check out my (belated) post-Concordia fic :)

Updates soon for both!

RXP


	9. Damn Kids These Days

Couple things, guys.

1. Last update, I told you it was building up to something intense? Well I lied. I re-watched the first 3 episodes and realized I kinda had the order of events wrong, so I had to edit a few things and basically, if you were pumped for some serious action this chapter, you may be underwhelmed. Just sayin. That said, it's not a BAD chapter. IMHO.

2. I previously stated my sympathies that Ryan died, because I was under the impression that he was no more. Again, I lied! I was delighted to see him in this week's ep.

3. Thanks to **polybi, cianna-mv500, Ithileon, KaydenceRei, SpaceRoses,** and **ColdCaseIsMyLife** ! Marcus and I adore you folks.

4. I wanted to post this last night, but I fell asleep half way through :O I was having a lazy friday night, went out for supper then did some shopping, then around 11:30 I had myself some pizza and Bailey's and vegged on the couch and worked on this as well as my other Marcus fic. Until I fell asleep. I'm going out tonight so I dedicated this morning to writing! :D best kind of day!

5. HAVE YOU SEEN THE SNEAK PEEK AT NEXT WEEK'S EP? HOBBES. ERICA. OMG.

6. Shutting up now.

Enjoy!

* * *

When your day begins with your boss asking for style advice on something that looks like a bathrobe, you kind of just get the feeling that it's going to be one long-ass day.

I mean, I'm the one who can't even tell the difference between a blue and black socks. I don't think I should be holding the fate of the Visitor fashion department in his hands. I don't even know where Japan is...but apparently they're really into bathrobes. I put forth my best guess and told her that probably wasn't the message we wanted to be sending... this isn't a slumber party. Sadly.

I left Anna to ponder Japanese bathrobes and went to report -SIGH- to Peace Ambassador Sitting Duty.

Joshua and Samuel were already awaiting the arrival of the PA's. Joshua was absorbed in a game of Angry Birds on his iPhone -the traitor! Everyone else on this ship is Team Blackberry- and Samuel was...um, deep in thought, by the looks of it.

That theory was verified when I walked up and the first thing he said was;

"Hey Marcus. So. I was doing a lot of thinking last night, like a lot. For hours. Legit..."

First thing - nothing's more annoying than people who use 'legit' as an adjective.

"...And I think I finally figured it out."

Hold everything! Samuel just figured it out!

"So...we...introduce ourselves to the PA's...and take them up to the ship...and show them around..."

Wow. He wasn't kidding. He'd figured it out.

"...and show them our technology...highlight our positive traits...make them see how awesome we are...so they trust us..."

Yes yes yes! GOOD Samuel!

"...and THEN we sit on them."

And we're back to square 1.

I patted him on the shoulder, called him Champ, and told him to run along and get me a coffee.

And then the kids came in.

The first thing I heard was "Brass Clankers" followed by someone guffawing moronically.

That was my second clue it was gonna be a long day.

An important thing you have to know about humans: THEY ASK THE STUPIDEST QUESTIONS. For example:

"How does the ship stay up?"

"Where's the gift shop?"

"What's your home planet called?"

"How many lightyears did you travel?"

"Where's the bathroom?"

"Can I have an apple?"

Idiots, idiots, IDIOTS. Whatever they're paying me, it's not enough. I mean, some kid just got sucked into the left propeller in stop #3, the engine room. Somone should have been watchin- wait a second... crap.

_MARCUS. STOP WRITING IN YOUR DIARY RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE SITTING TO DO!  
-Joshua_

It's NOT a diary. It's a documentive journal. And if Joshua ever scribbles in it again, I'll push HIM into the propeller. I think I should put a lock on this thing...

But first I have to tell the lawsuit company that the kid got sucked into the propeller due to the fact that he simply wasn't listening when I specifically told them not to go anywhere near the- crap. I may have neglected my legal warning before letting them in the engine room.

Oh no.

They're headed for the kitchen.

Where Anna's coffee maker is located.

MARCUS TO THE RESCUE.

_*Insert snort* Who is he trying to kid? It may not have a lock, but the TOP SECRET, DO NOT ENTER sticker on the front positively SCREAMS "diary. Note to self: for future blackmail purposes, threaten to read diary to Anna. Or better yet, broadcast to world via ship-bottom-screen-thing. -Joshua_

* * *

Well I wanted to post more than one chapter today, since I'll be too hungover to function tomorrow, but this was all I came up with for MSD, and I'm not happy with chapter 2 of Losing You yet, so this will have to keep you occupied for now! :)

Have a great night, I know I will!

PS if you know a good hangover cure, let me know.

Also, you can follow me on facebook or twitter (links at top of profile) for extra info on updates, progress, ideas, etc. I don't think I have any V fans on there yet, so if you wanna be the first ...? :)

RXP


	10. Word Of The Day

Well, after tonight's episode I was able to stop twitching long enough to finish this chapter to the best of my abilities...it's a long one, be happy :).

Tonight's episode... I'm gonna keep it spoiler-free for this A/N but OMFGSCREAMMMMARCUS!. PM me if you wanna discuss it, we can squee together. I really felt like running up my road screaming and waving my arms but there's so much ice I'd probably do a faceplant for the second time today so I channelled my energy into this.

This chapter kinda deals with episode 2, next one will be about 3 - it's the one I'm really looking forwards to :)

10 chapters in 1 month! and nearing 40 reviews, which makes me happy since this is a fairly small fandom. (quality over quantity - I've never read a truly awful V fic yet!) Next review will be the big 4-0 :)

Yesterday was my 3rd anniversary of posting my first fic, and this story makes me feel like I'm reliving the glory days since I'm new to this fandom and everything's bright and shiney like it was back then. Thanks for making me feel welcome :)

Love and McNuggets going out to **Ithileon, SpaceRoses, KaydenceRei, Cianna-MV500, Reptile Princess, Holly-Sama**, and **ColdCaseIsMyLife** ! You rock me and Marcus's life. I gotta say, I recieved a bunch of those reviews on my phone while I was...tipsy...and I had the biggest smile in the whole place. Ask anyone! :D Seriously though, LOVEYOU!

I don't own V or Seventeen Magazine. Actually, Seventeen's a bit retarded these days, particularly their "Panel Of Hot Guys" of whatever the eff it's called. Don't own that either - thank god.

I think that's all. Enjoy!

* * *

Crisis averted! Coffee maker has been rescued, and is now stashed behind the fridge for safekeeping.

The PA's then proceeded to run amok in the kitchen, quickly polishing off our supply of apples. Not that I'm complaining, I don't care if I never see another apple as long as I live. They seemed to be under the impression that they were eating "martian apples" that would give them "alien powers". Then Samuel asked if it was time to sit on them. I told him to give it a try and let me know how it turns out.

Then I swapped babysitting duty with Lisa, who was eager to eyeball the human males while wearing a hungry expression. (She gets more like her mother every day, it's quite terrifying.)

Once that was taken care of, I reported back to Anna in the scheming/dictating room to request a task worthy of my skills. At the very least, I could make a trip to procure some McDonalds samples for scientific observation/threat analysis.

Before I could plead my case, I got treated to a positively hopeless Chad Decker TV special about the Pros and Cons of the Vs (YAWWWN), followed by Anna demanding to know what his behavior meant and WHY OH WHY hadn't he returned her texts yet and did he ACTUALLY like her or was he actually a player or was he cheating or did he think she didn't like him so why had he been leading her on in the first place or was it the other way around and she knew she should have worn the red dress last time she saw him but he'd said she looked nice so had he been lying or did he change his mind and he still hadn't texted her back, so would it come off as desperate if she called him first?

I stood there duh-ly for a few minutes before realizing that I was supposed to be doing something about this, so I took my query to _Seventeen_ Magazine. Please note I don't have a collection of such magazines, for this occasion I borrowed them from Lisa.

I couldn't find an article about what it means if he jeopardizes your species' popularity on international TV, but everything else pointed at the fact that if he didn't text back he was **A) **playing hard-to-get** B) **unsure of his feelings **C) **not interested or **D) **kinda-sorta into you, waiting for you to make the first move.

Did it ever occur to anyone that a guy may not be replying your message because he simply can't figure out how his phone works? I speak from experience. It happens more often than you think. But I remain one step ahead of Samuel - I may be stumped at adding BBM contacts, but Samuel can't even remember which button turns it on. Yesterday, he thought he diagnosed his problem: He discovered the battery in the back of the phone and removed it, stating "Look what was stuck in it! No wonder it doesn't work!"

Sometimes, phones just complicate things. If you want to talk to someone that bad, just go see them. Or use a hologram projector, those work just as well.

I shared that thought with Lisa, and she suggested I apply to join _Seventeen'_s "Panel of Hot Guys".

I examined the aforementioned page. Wow. My picture could appear right between Lukkas-with-a-beard and Normèn-with-long-hair-and-a-weird-hat. I could provide an insight to the male perspective for a generation of human girls who can't handle the task of figuring out their social lives.

I told Lisa that I doubted Seventeen magazine would accept me since I don't sport facial hair, straightened/streaked bangs, skinny jeans, a trench coat, or colourful shoes. I also tend to stay away from hats.

She gave me a weird look and went back to babysitting duty, staring at a PA kid with weird hair -WOAH. It's the overgrown toddler we saw in McDonalds with Frazzled Blonde Mom and Guy With White Collar!

Who the hell let him in here?

Note to self - tell security to check him for traces of McDonald's fries, he may be trying to infiltrate us and cause heart attacks.

I'm off to deliver "flirtexting" advice to Anna. Flirtexting...I intend to find and immolate the person who invented that word.

_Later..._

Once I dropped off the magazine to the scheming/dictating room, I was dispatched to the Torture Chamber to check up on Willis (Anna's torture expert/part-time manicurist) and his progress on extracting information from Warehouse Guy.

However, I believe Willis has been smoking some interesting stuff, because he appears to be hallucinating snakes when in fact there are are clearly no snakes anywhere within the room. And he's apparently been sharing his stash with Warehouse Guy, because he's whining about being covered in snakes. Honestly, how high do you have to get before you start seeing snakes? Seeing double, I can understand. Happens to the best of us. But snakes? Whaaat?

Kids these days!

At least I got to growl threateningly, "I want NAMES." Which is by far the most interesting thing I've done in a few days. I don't even know WHY we want names, but everyone likes to be menacing occasionally.

Actually, I'll be thrilled when this Warehouse deal blows over. Nobody likes crabby torture-happy Anna. These days she'll skin anything that stands still long enough. And now we have confusing-behavior hormonal-raging Chad to contend with. Fan-freaking-tastic. If someone breaks out in pimples, we're screwed.

On that topic, I hope Anna is finding the _Seventeen_ article helpful. I can't take much more girl talk.

But I wasn't done my dirty work for the day, there were more pansies to be dealt with.

I was on my way to the shuttles to embark on a solo undercover mission to the Golden Upside-Down Vs to further my investigation on their substances, learn a bit more about "desserts". Maybe investigate myself a cinnamon melt or a fruit parfait...those look real mysterious.

But that idea got kicked down to the bottom of the list when I got intercepted by Anna who demanded that I go bitch at Chad. I protested, showing her page 29 of the May 2006 issue of _Seventeen_ stating that guys get confused when girls make someone else do all the talking. If this article is correct, Chad will assume that Anna is trying to hook ME up with him, and that mental image is making me reach for an immolation pill so I'm stopping it there.

I shake it off and saunter up to Decker who immediately tries and fails miserably to imitate my perfected I'm-All-That face. I deliver the message, accentuating it with some nice big words, such as Abrogation. He asks if I have a Word-Of-The-Day calendar, and I almost tail-spike him right on the spot. So what if I do? Little punk-ass TV guy, you wouln't act like such a big man if you didn't have all those colourful ties.

Anyway, I was about to commandeer the next shuttle out and set a course for the Golden Upside-Down Vs but then -joy- I heard my name positively screeched over the intercom along with a whole lot of static, presumably a summon to the scheming/dictating room. One of these days Anna's just going to accidentally eat that mic, and it'll be gone for good.

Or maybe I can just toss it out the window.

* * *

Anna and her lack of intercom ettiquette is insipired by my principal who literally kisses the mic as he talks into it... not easy to listen to, expecially crappy when you think he may have called you but you're not 100% sure...

Looking forwards to review #40 ;) but don't stop there!

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Check out - "Losing You" by me. and "Short Storyz" by my lovely beta Greendogg. Also my Twitter and facebook page, links on profile.

Thanks again!

Peace,Love,&Marcus.

RXP


	11. Stupid Wallace

Hey guys! :)

I was in a supremely excellent mood this weekend because I found out we're starting practice next week, which is a month earlier than usual because my coach is renting out a huge facility so we're all gonna be packing up and hauling ass up there every friday night. I wanted to get this chapter up on Friday but I got busy getting stuff organized and trying to get my horse ready and literally jumping for joy, so I didn't get it up as soon as I wanted. I was going to post it this morning before trick riding practice, but then I overslept. And I was going to post immediately practice but then I was occupied putting ice on my new collection of bruises.

BUT I DID IT IN THE END :)

I ended up really rolling with this chapter and making it 3x longer than average because I was having such a good time. It basically sums up episode 3 for Marcus. My favourite chapter so far I think :)

Hmmm, I haven't done shoutouts in a while..

**Reptile Princess** Lmfao! I sorta agree, on one hand I think Jerica is really cute, but I really wouldn't want them to ruin their friendship so yeah I'm starting to lean towards Hobbsica. Is that what it's called? Iunno. Oh those images! Lucky Erica! is all I can say. Thanks for your review :D

**Kaydence Rei** Giggleworthy :D Omg. I was at McDon's yesterday and all I could think about was this. and Seventeen is just getting crappy these days! it's basically 60% ads, 10% content, 10% "advice" aka common knowledge, and 20% ugly models in clothes no one in their right mind would be caught dead in. I feel for Marcus too :O AND I ALSO WENT BONKERS. Very very bonkers. Thanks so much hun :)

**cianna-mv500** Thank you so much! I gushed too. Actually that's an understatement. I squealed, screamed, ran around, and everything in between. Thanks again! xD

**Ithileon** BAHA it makes my day when other people start to think of him as Bitch #1. The poor guy xD FURBYS. OMG. I remember those things from kindergarden. Freaky ass shit! I didn't think that in kindergerden though. I thought they were pretty awesome. I wonder if I still have some up in the attic...but I kinda hope not xD don't want them watchin me sleep! I think I'll have to work furbys in here somewhere... Thanks a ton!

**Alleluia Elizabeth **It's so true :P kids these days with their phones and holographs, seriously! Teheh thank you so much! His whole personality is lack thereof, so all I did was add a whole lot of...random stuff and ties :) his spectacular tie days are coming! Thanks so much :)

**SpaceRoses** I know right! My first reaction was like, oooh wow she reminds me of a little girl with a huge crush. Especially when she's like, I WANT HIM. and YES MARCUS HAD A DATE. HE TOOK ME TO MCDONALDS ON FRIDAY NIGHT. hehe but really, I can't imagine him with anyone xD Oh lordy. If he and Diana end up as an item, I think I'm gonna put a bullet in my tv, or my head. :O thanks so much, that means a lot to me! and I agree completely :) I can't believe some of the crap people post these days... but V is really good for not a lot of crap-crackfics. Thanks again :)

_**Mo**_ THANK YOU NUMBA 40 :) I wanna give you a prize but I can't so I'm gonna italicize your name xD feel special. It was SUCH a crazy ep in so many ways, as you may have noticed the ending made me lose my mind a little bit. Tehe, poor Chad... and thanks again! :D you're awesome.

You're all awesome! KEEP THE AMAZING LONG REVIEWS COMING :D writing this fic was one of the best choices of my life, I was like hmmmm...people are gonna think I'm retarded for posting this but whatever I'm doin' it anyway! And I'm SOSO glad I did! :D

Well, enough gushing. I've done enough of that this week, haha.

I don't own the obvious, but I do own Matilda, Wallace, and Bernard.

Enjoy!

* * *

TODAY WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Actually...wait a minute...

No. The day Samuel broke the remote control and the TV buttons so he panicked and pushed the lockdown button so the doors wouldn't open and we were literally stuck watching Jersey Shore for 5 hours with nothing to eat but Skittles and burnt popcorn, THAT was the worst day of my life.

TODAY WAS THE SECOND WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I PRETTY MUCH GOT SHOT.

Well, technically the gun never actually got fired. But it was pointed at me for a good three seconds, so I definitley had every right to be terribly upset. I mean, my entire life flashed before my eyes - my collection of unworn ties stood out quite vividly - I thought I was a goner. For a second I actually thought I felt a bullet in me somewhere - until the fella was taken down by...Frazzled Blonde Mom?

I know, I was suprised too. But more about her later.

Rewind.

My day started out normally enough. I was woken up a few hours earlier than I would have liked, by Samuel who had somehow scored an air horn. I didn't have time to murder him and burn the aforementioned air horn because apparently it was Visa Day. My first reaction was V-sa? What's a Sa? And why do Vs need one? Then I got a bit of caffeine into me and realized "Oh. _Vi_sa." I figured Visa must refer to the credit card, but that was not the case either, dissapointingly. She showed us an example of a Visa, turns out its just a thingy that lets you go places, legally.

Woops. Guess last week's McDonald's run will stay off the records.

Anyway. Visa Day = freakin' chaos and anarchy.

Chaos was outside, with all the little people -look like ants from up here- running around goin' crazy with their little signs and riot shields and tear gas. Hehehe, cheap entertainment at its finest.

Inside the ship was the anarchy.

As it turns out, some of us were incredibly stressed about keeping up their appearances so maintain "no" to Chad Decker's question: Is there such a thing as an ugly Visitor?

Well now, let's get realistic. In every group, there's a token ugly one. Or two. Now, 100 of us are getting Visas today, and everyone's basically scrambling not to be the ugly one.

I was barely 2 sips into my mochaccino (yes, I decided to learn how to use Anna's coffee maker) when Joshua came gallumphing into the room screaming that he was having a bad hair day and he just KNEW someone had cut it while he was sleeping in an attempt to sabotage him. Actually, it looked identical to every other day, but I told him where he could find a stash of _Seventeen: PERFECT HAIR EDITION _ magazines to help him through this troubling time.

Samuel was having a completely awful time trying to decide what socks to wear - black or navy? I used to struggle with this myself, until one day I had an exciting revelation: No One Cares. I told this to Samuel and he stared at me as though I'd just determined the meaning of life.

Then I noticed something bizarre on his face. I asked him if he was wearing blush, and he became very busy rummaging in his sock drawer and mumbling vague replies, so I left it at that.

In the scheming/dictating room, Anna was locked in mortal combat with her holograph mirror thing, deciding what to wear. I reminded her that the photos only show shoulders-up, and we were due at the picture-taking-place in half an hour. For that, I got a bra thrown at me. At least I think it was a bra. I don't know what else it could have been. I left that room VERY fast.

Meanwhile, Lisa was hogging the Master Bathroom trying every combination of makeup products in existence to hide a pimple that no one actually noticed until she screamed and pointed at it.

I felt bad for her, and kindly told her it just looked like a little freckle. In return, I got a hair straightener thrown at my face. And yes, the straightener was indeed turned on to 450 degrees and it hurt way more than the bra.

Skin grafts are officially my best friend. Luckily I've become adept at performing them on myself, since Joshua was still incapacitated by his Bad Hair Day at this point. By the time my face was clear of third degree burns and back to normal, everyone else was more or less ready for picture day.

Lisa had arranged her hair so it obscured the pimple, along with the entire left side of her face. Anna had selected the dress she'd been wearing previous to the bra-throwing incident. (Which was more emotionally scarring than getting hit by the hair straightener.) Joshua looked extremely nervous, and he had every right to be since he'd gelled his hair up at an alarming angle and everyone was giving him funny stares. He looked like that sparkly guy from the Vampire movies. Baaaad. There was Samuel, who had the suspicious expression of someone who is wearing terribly mismatched socks.

And then there was me, who looked supremely similar to how I look every other day of my life. The resemblance was uncanny.

_Later..._

With my great luck, I should have known I would get the meanest, evillest, crabbiest, crankiest, snarliest, most hormone-fueled photographer -named Matilda- in the place.

I greeted her politely, then at the same second the camera flashed in my face and she screamed profainities at me because my face bore resemblance of a smile.

Lady, I wasn't born yesterday. I know smiling in pictures is terribly uncommon, so people these days must either look completely serious or else make those appalling kissy-lips in all photographs. I tend to lean towards completely serious, but I had been simply being polite to Matilda. Had she warned me that the picture was about to be taken, of course I would have returned my face to its normal position.

Round two, lucky me. The second shot came out with my eyes closed, and Matilda nearly had a stroke. She told me I had one more chance, and God help me if I screw this one up.

I maintained my studious expression and politely asked it it was acceptable for the photograph. Matilda then flew completely off the handle and threw the camera - tripod and all- at my face. Where else? Then she screamed some bonus profanities before exiting the room in a vengeance yelling that she quit.

Because my life is just that fantastic, there wasn't another photographer available to do my picture because they were fully occupied with my fellow Vs. So I was stuck with a nice picture with closed eyes. I decided it would be acceptable.

I then took a stroll around to see how everyone else was faring - typical, Samuel got the photographer who handed out lollipops. Joshua got a lady who couldn't keep her hands off him because she thought he looked like Edward Cullen. And I had to go rescue Lisa from following her photographer into a dirty van with blacked-out liscence plates and FREE CANDY, LEGIT ! written on the window in Sharpie.

All in a day's work.

But it would only get better - i.e, completely sucktacular.

When we got back up to the ship, I thought I could at least have a bit of time to relax, and maybe pick bits of shattered camera out of my hair and mentally recover from having 3 things thrown at my face in the space of one hour, things that just shouldn't be thrown at faces. Good news though- the skin graft was healing rather nicely.

But before I could get comfortable and try out the bonus flavour of coffee sweetener I found in the coffee-maker box, Bitch Duties called.

I swear, Anna's planning on taking over the human TV station and developing an entirely new Chad Channel just so she can watch the little parasite without commercial breaks. The way she stares at him reminds me of how Samuel stares at lemon pie - addicted and disturbing.

Anyway, my question to you is: Who is Mary Falkner?

If you guessed someone I don't know or care about, you'd be right.

Yet here I am uploading a full biography (professional stalker, I am.) onto Anna's screen thingy. Seems Anna has some plans for this lady. Knowing what sorts of plans Anna tends to concoct... well, let's just say I wish she had similar plans for Matilda. I keep finding tiny bits of shattered camera in my face.

_Later..._

After Anna dismissed the 29 captains from the hologram meeting (No one told me it was a hologram - I tried to high-five Moe and ended up getting electrocuted) I was quite tired from the day's action thus far so I took a brief nap, intending on waking up - or being woken up - in time for the Falkner conference.

However, this did not come off exactly as I planned - rather than waking up at a decent hour, helping myself to a donut and a mochaccino, I slightly overslept and only woke up due to a particularly disturbing dream involving Chad and Samuel on the Jersey Shore. I spent a few minutes fighting nausea and the urge to jump out the window, but in the end I was able to pull myself together and make my way down to the Visitor Center.

The shuttle ride was uneventful. It was more pleasant than usual because I got the most optimal window seat and first pick of the in-flight snacks. No crappy peanuts for me! And I got the incredible privelege of a foot rest. I thought my day was getting better.

I thought incorrectly.

My walk from the shuttle to the building was unremarkable. Had I known it might have been my last moments, I would have stopped and smelled the hot dog stand.

So when I stepped out from behind the concrete thingy and got a gun pointed at my face, A) it had been the absolute last thing I'd been expecting, and B) I was quite sure it was the end of me. Like I mentioned, for a minute I actually thought I'd _been_ shot. Luckily I was manly enough to maintain my composure and not react to the terrible pain that turned out to be non-existent. However, suffice it to say I was horribly shaken and felt even worse than I had after the dream I had earlier. In fact, I was so stunned I walked straight into a closed door. Then I really did feel like I'd been shot. Doorknobs hurt. At this point I was so frazzled I didn't even know where I was going, by sheer luck I stumbled in upon Anna who was saying "I am so sorry for your loss" over and over. I was a bit sorry for her apparent loss of sanity, but I did not comment on it because I was too busy informing her (loudly and more panicky than usual) that I had recently almost deceased.

That was when she evil-smug-smirked and told me that it had been a simple publicity stunt, I was never in any danger, and my would-be murderer was in fact Wallace, who had apparently just gotten a promotion.

A promotion straight into the Let's Pretend To Almost Kill Marcus department.

To say I was absolutely livid, would be the mother of all understatements. In fact, I could even go so far to say that I was absolutely beyond preturbed. And I do not use the P-word lightly. And if that wasn't bad enough, Anna requested that I profusely thank Frazzled Blonde Mom/FBI Lady for "saving" my life.

So I left Anna to practice sounding sympathetic and I stalked off to finish up that business so I could hurry back up to the Mothership and forage for comfort food. Screw the press conference, if Anna thought I was pretend-expendable, she could just pretend I was standing behind her as I watch Criminal Minds on HER TV. Maybe I'll even leave crumbs on her desk. And blame it on Wallace, of course.

Stupid Wallace.

Frazzled Blonde Mom/FBI Lady (screw it, I'm calling her FBMFBIL from now on) made some joke about "I blame instinct and training" that I didn't get/wasn't funny, so I more or less told her that if she ever needed anything to give me a call (Haha. As if I'm actually gonna let her take me up on that one.)

So that was that, I was FINALLY on my way back to the Mothership, then I got a call (Damn that Lady GaGa ringtone!) that I was to report to an attack deal on some guy who was supposed to bring in members of the Fourth Column. Or is it Sixth Column? Meh, same difference.

So I ask the pilot to take a slight detour as I program the new instructions into the GPS and we zoom on over to the, um, abandoned junk store. Damn, I was hoping this place would at least have souvenir t-shirts or something.

"Show me." I growl in my most menacing tone as I rush in, eager to rush back out as soon as I have something worth reporting back to Anna.

Basically the room is trashed, looks like someone just had a really wild party. With...um, blood and immolation?

Okay, NOW my day has reached a whole new level of suck.

Until I get a text from Joshua -

_Things are getting hairy up here. Samuel has duck-taped himself to the outside of the ship, Bernard can't do anything about it, Lisa is watching all the channels Anna doesn't allow, and I'm locked in a bathroom. WE NEED HELP. GET UP HERE._

"There will be no peace!" I groan furiously.

I'm about to leave when I notice something else mildly interesting. Who's John May? Why'd he write his name on the door? Wtf even happened here? And... am I supposed to care?

* * *

Poor Marcus. What a life.

I tried to keep it fairly accurate to the episode. His eyes weren't closed in his picture but he blinks immediately after (yeah I paused it just to stare) so I based the picture part off that.

Ohmygord. Last week someone from the V twitter community told me about a podcast containing a 2-hour interview with Chris Shyer (aka Marcus) and obviously I WAS SOOO THERE. .. He's so adorable, it was weird hearing "Marcus" talk in non-monotone! What a fantastic guy :) and DUDE he was born like, 2 hours away from where I live. HELLZA CANADIANS!

Well that's more than enough talking from me, please review! And if you have nothing else to do, please check out my other V fic, Losing You. It needs more reviews, just sayin xD

Thanks :)

RXP


	12. The Great Duck Tape Adventure

Hey!

I've had such a crazy and super stressful week, I didn't think I'd get this updated soon, but thanks to a whole lot of rain my bus got cancelled and I went to school anyway, and ended up skipping class and hiding out in the back of the library, sipping rum out of a water bottle and writing this. I was NOT drunk. I'm not that trashy, it was 11 am for pete's sake... but I say too much!

Thanks to...

**Mo, Reptile Princess, ColdCaseIsMyLife, Ithileon, SpaceRoses,** and **Cianna-mv500**. You guys give some of the funnest reviews ever! They're so long and awesome and I just LOVE reading them! :) I re-read the reviews on this fic whenever I need a smile :)

I don't own the obvious.  
I do own Bernard and the PARTY BUS :)  
I would very much like to own Marcus. DID YOU SEE HIM IN THIS WEEK'S EPISODE! WHATTA BOY. I was literally squeeing my face off the entire time.

This chapter is... a little, um, creative?

Well, enjoy :)

* * *

You may have realized that I've been through a lot of highly intersesting experiences throughout, and even before my time on Earth. I've commanded hordes of giant spaceships, I've travelled millions of lightyears, I've travelled through a sea of black holes, past the swirly-twirly galaxies, New York traffic, and McDonald's lines. I've had bras, hair straighteners, and cameras thrown at my face (all in the space of 1 hour) and I've witnessed the eating of many, many small animals while being powerless to save them. I've performed Bitch Duties of almost every possible nature, and I've lived to tell about it.

But, wow. Just... wow.

Never have I encountered something so incredibly baffling as Samuel duck-taped to the outside of the Mothership.

First thing's first, immediately upon my arrival I sprung Joshua from his bathroom prison - I need my popcorn-throwing wingman for this mission. Also, someone might just get skinned once this is all said and done, and he's the only one qualified.

Second thing, I barred Lisa from the TV room (she was watching an uncensored MTV special - YIKES.) and sent her outside on a mission to bring back a sample of coffee from every Starbucks in this city - that'll keep her busy.

Then it was time to turn our focus on the main problem at hand - Samuel and the escapade that ultimately ended with him becoming inadvertantly stuck to the outside of a window - not just any window, the plate glass exterior of the scheming/dictating room. (If it was any other room, I may have left him there.)

We found Bernard sobbing in a closet (?) because apparently the duck-tape mission had been his plan, and he was under the impression that he was in deep trouble (no shit, my friend.)He was stressing that he could face a severe consequence such as the confiscation of his duck-tape supply - ever since he'd been introduced to it, he was disturbingly hooked on the stuff, using it for repairs that would normally be accomplished by V technology that didn't leave sticky glue marks behind. I don't even know how many rolls of it he owns, because he must go through several hundred in a week. He gets away with it because Anna's under the impression that it's a highly energy-efficient fiberglass substance. But in truth, none of us have been able to figure out what it's actually made of. Working on it.

Anyway, Bernard's genius scheme had been concocted when he realized there was a stain at the bottom of the smug-staring-window, a stain that could not be accessed from the cleaning balcony. So, rather than make like a smart organism and use one of our many many technological advances to access the stain, he decided to wrap double-sided duck-tape around all of Samuel, then basically throw him from the cleaning balcony onto the window, where he would roll down to the stain, roll over the stain, the stain would stick to the tape, and he'd roll back on up to the balcony where he'd be snatched up by Bernard and return a hero.

Yeah, these are the people I live and work with.

There was a hitch in this brilliant plan - a person covered in duck-tape does NOT roll on a glass surface. Rather, it adheres firmly to the glass where it remains motionless.

Needless to say, if any of us want to keep our skins, Samuel must become unstuck before Anna returns to utilize her smug-staring window.

I took charge of the situation (as I'm doomed to do for all eternity) and **A) **calmed Bernard and told him that no one would threaten his duck-tape supply as long as he was cooperative. **B) **ordered Joshua to fetch any medical utensil that could aid in the removal of tightly-stuck tape from one's skin. **C) **used my less-than-extensive vocabulary of sign language to communicate to Samuel that everything would be just fine - before I realized that his back was facing me and he couldn't see anything other than the expanse of fat blue sky in front of him. And **D)** snaked a set of keys from the pilots' lounge, and hijacked the good ol' "PARTY BUS :)" I guess Anna hasn't seen that sticker yet.

I (kinda) skillfully maneuvered the PARTY BUS :) up to the smug-staring window where I now had a view of Samuel's face - he looked like he was in the process of leaving a hell of a mess in his trousers. With all due sensetivity, I say LOLLMFAOAROTFLOL and all that.

Now, I had a bit of an issue. I couldn't get the shuttle close enough to Samuel without frying him with the exhaust, but I did have a several brooms and... believe it or not, a crate of duck-tape marked 'FOR EMERGENCY REPAIRS'.

I had an idea that was slightly better than Bernard's - I would have him open the window from the inside, then I would construct a long pole from tape and brooms, which I would then use to roll/push/poke Samuel in through the open window where he would emerge safely into the interior of the scheming/dictating room.

I radio'ed Bernard and Joshua with an order to open the middle panel to which Samuel was stuck. Bernard obliged, the window tilted outwards, and Samuel was now positioned on an angle so I could more easily roll him through the opening.

Constructing the push-pole device was more difficult than I originally anticipated. I needed 3 seperate broom handles, and utilized 3 entire rolls of tape to secure them together then bind the entire unit for reinforcement. But I did it! It was a little crooked, but it was absolutely secure. I tested it by banging my head against it repeatedly. Hello, stress relief!

Once I deemed it completely secure, it was time to put it to its intended use: Operation Poke Dumbass-I mean, Samuel.

Wow, I leave for an hour and people go get themselves taped to windows. I guess it could have been worse, he could have been stuck to a boiling hot turbo booster engine... But it also could have been better. He could have gotten stuck to an indoor wall. Or the floor. Or just not gotten out of bed this morning.

Boy was the kid ever stuck. I poked at him for at least 10 minutes before coming to the realization that duck-tape is not designed to be rolled sticky side-up.

Also, Marcus was not designed to lean out of an open window 700 feet above ground while holding a 20-foot pole. I accidentally looked down at one point, and very nearly _went_ down.

700 foot drop, what a way to die. That would make an incredible splat. But it would sure as hell beat getting skinned alive, which is what would happen if we didn't figure this out before Anna showed up.

One thing was fo sho (i.e. _for sure_, in case you don't speak earthling): we weren't getting anywhere. If we liked our skins on our bodies rather than in a medical waste disposal container, we needed to step up our game. Poking wasn't working.

I radio'ed Bernard and Joshua and inquired if they had access to any substances that could neutralize duck-tape.

Joshua was busy having conniptions and banging his head against the window (maybe he was making an effort to loosen the duck-tape's grip through the use of projected vibration, I don't know), but Bernard suggested nail polish remover.

I had no idea, first of all because I'd never heard of nail polish prior to this moment, but I suppose it answered my question as to how all those people in _Seventeen _had colourful claws - I thought they were born that way.

Anyway, I asked him if he had any. He did not, but figured Lisa might. He ran to take a look, leaving the golden trio - myself dangling out of a hovering shuttle shouting some (occasionally harsh) words of encouragement (i.e., "It'll be okay, idiot! Hang in there, you moronic waste of atmosphere!") to Samuel who was still completely immobile whilst panicking almost as much as Joshua whose headbanging hadn't loosened Samuel, but apparently had caused a tiny crack in the glass.

Bernard returned shortly, hauling his custodial mop-holder-thing on which had been piled a dazzling array of... stuff. Hair products by the looks of it.

He informed us that he didn't know what any of it was, but he'd gone through Lisa's room and taken anything that looked remotely like liquid. Shampoo, hair spray, pepto bismol, more hair spray, mousse, gel, skin cream, face cream, makeup remover, nail polish, nail polish remover (if I recall correctly, that would be the one item we were looking for.

By the way, yes I was hovering in the shuttle this entire time. I have one excellent set of binoculars if I do say so myself.

Anyway, Bernard figured that one of them HAD to be able to unstick duck-tape. He grabbed the first item for testing and prepared to...well, throw it up to me. We didn't have time for a more civilized tactic.

He was winding up for the pitch, when my phone went off - a message. Anna would be returning inside 10 minutes.

I could practically feel my skin getting peeled off when Joshua pulled himself together and produced an idea - mix all the stuff together, throw it on Samuel, and pray like hell it worked.

No one had a better suggestion, so Bernard pulled out the biggest bucket he could find, and poured every last bit of substance into it, put on the lid, shook the bucket, and chucked it at me.

I very nearly missed, then very nearly fell to my graphic, painful, splattery death as I lunged out the window and just managed to grab the handle by my pinky finger. I'm fairly sure the finger is now broken, but I hauled the bucket back through the window and prepared to douse my poor duck-taped friend.

Nah, not my friend. Let's say my colleague instead. Actually, after this incident he'll be lucky if he doesn't get downgraded to my victim.

Anyway, the moment of truth. So intense I flicked on the radio for some theme music - hmm, no, Ke$ha was not really what I had in mind, but there was no time to change the station now.

_TIK TOK, ON THE CLOCK, DJ BLOW MUH SPEAKERS UP _

I opened the lid... damn, combined hair nail and skin crap smells incredibly potent, I could feel myself getting drunk on the vapours. And it's a really freaky shade of purple. If Lady GaGa threw up in a bucket, it would look just like this.

_TONIGHT I'MMA FIGHT TILL WE SEE THE SUNLIGHT_

Ready... Aim... Pray this freakin' works...

FIRE! Or drop, in my case. Actually, more like pour.

_TIK TOK, ON THE CLOCK, BUT THE PARTY WON'T STOP, NO_

IT'S WORKING IT'S WORKING IT'S WORKING! Samuel is screaming something about 'third degree acid burns' BUT IT'S WORKING!

_OHH OHH WUH OH, OHH OHH WUH OH-_

OH NO. He's sliding clean off the window and plummeting like a stone towards earth! All that wasted effort and beauty products!

But wait.

IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S THE PARTY BUS :) BEING SKILLFULLY MANEUVERED DIRECTLY BENEATH THE FALLIING SAMUEL SO HE DROPS DIRECTLY INTO THE SIDE WINDOW, HITS THE WALL ON THE OTHER SIDE, AND BOUNCES LIKE POPCORN ONTO THE FLOOR, SCREAMING IN SHOCK AND AGONY! ANOTHER SPECTACULAR RESCUE BY ME!

Of course he didn't see it that way. I went over to where he was lying face-down on the floor, flipped him over with my foot, and the first thing he said was,

"What the hell are you guys trying to do, KILL ME?"

The nerve. THE NERVE!

Bernard sacrificed all that duck-tape, Joshua probably has a concussion, I almost fell to my death AND broke my pinky, Lisa is gonna have to live without...whatever the hell that stuff was, and that's what we get in return?

Pardon my punctuation, but I was BEYOND preturbed. I almost tossed him back out the window, but I settled for shoving him partially under a seat. The duck-tape had lost its sticky, but he was still completely mummified in it. If I had my way, he'd stay like that for a very long time.

But I'm nice, so instead of leaving him to rot under the seat of the PARTY BUS :), I helped him squirm to his feet and shuffle back through the main entrance of the Mothership after we docked.

No sooner had we shuffled sneakily down the main corridoor and were almost home free when who did we bump into, but Anna, Joshua, and Chad.

"And what is Samuel wearing today?" she asked in her Happy Human Enticing voice. Had Chad not been standing there, the fangs would have come out. But we could see her mind working... deciding whether or not we should get skinned, eaten, or bludgeoned. Or all of the above.

Joshua and Samuel thought fast... a little too fast.

"RADIATION SHIELD!" was Joshua's explanation.

"BULLETPROOF SNUGGIE!" Samuel blurted.

Anna looked to me. Great...

"Actually, we do not have a specific function in mind for this substance, currently. We are simply testing its capability in a variety of environments. So far it has proved to be incredibly resillient and we are looking forwards to continuing experimentation." I clarified.

I deserve a medal, or at least a sticker for my astounding ability to pull intelligence out of my ass, because Anna bought it.

"Proceed." she twittered, reduced to giggles by the impressiveness of my speech. Or maybe that was because Chad had just smiled at her.

Whatever. We left Anna to oogle Chad, and Joshua and I more or less dragged Samuel down to the medical bay where we "continued experimentation" by finding out if duck-tape can be removed without taking some skin with it.

Also we should probably treat those acid burns...

* * *

Samuel... oh my. Honestly I don't even remember what his character is really like, baahaa. Is he even alive still?

MARCUS IS! :D He got bitched at by Diana. He got to YELL. At JOSHUA. He was so worried about Anna! I wanted to just smush their faces together...

...Next week's the season finale. Wow. It will be beyondly beyond the beyond of amazing...

But what if our precious V doesn't return for a season 3? Got a cold chill just thinking about it... if it doesn't, I don't know what I'm gonna do... I was hooked that first time I watched the first two eps on the plane in January.

We need ya, V. Please come back to us.

PRAY WITH ME, GUYYS. GET FATHER JACK IN HERE!

PS, congratulations to MSD on breaking the 50 mark on reviews! YOU ARE SO AMAZING :)

PPS, I'm planning another humour V fic... "Visitors On Vacation." This one will have everyone, Fifth Column and all! I wanna start it... soon. Today was my last day of school before March Break so I'll have a bit of extra time.

One final little tidbit of information, my ffnet document manager has once again reached its 15 document capacity, and ALL of them are chapters for V fics. This makes me proud :D

Anyway, enough already. I'm retiring for the night,

Peace,Love&DuckTape,

RXP


	13. Goodnight, Agent DandelionHead

Marcus Time is here again! :) Last chapter before the season finale! Please please please God let there be a season 3!THIS CAN'T BE THE END!

Thanks to my reviewers, you're all beautiful, smexy, smart and FUNNY to boot! You crack me up every day! 2 more and we will have 60 :D

I don't own V, TLC or any of its shows I mention... I LOVE that channel. I can't believe the stuff they come up with...I could watch Toddlers n Tiaras all day and never get bored.

Omg.

If you've ever wanted to see what Marcus would look like as a rich, horny, perverted ski resort owner who's basically a huge man-slut, watch the show Whistler. Chris Shyer -my favourite dude ever- plays aformentioned pervert, and STILL LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MARCUS, WITH THE HAIR AND THE SUIT EVERYTHING. It's freakin funny, I keep waiting for Anna to walk in and start bitching him out, only he gets his own bitches - lots of them. AND I saw him shirtless - SCORE FOR ME. Oh, and that guy who plays Joe Evans is in it too. Unreal show.

Well, enjoy your Marcus time!

* * *

Well, the duck-tape rescue proved to be educational in many ways.

1. When in doubt, stay away from mysterious stains. And duck-tape. Under no circumstances should the two be combined.  
2. Figure out what side of the glass the stains are located on BEFORE you attempt to remove it Yes. The stain had been on the INSIDE of the glass. As you may recall, we almost got killed cleaning the OUTSIDE of the glass. I actually got my hands all the way around Samuel's throat before Joshua pulled me off and gave me a time out.  
3. Mixtures of beauty products did indeed provide some very unpleasant acid burns, at least on the parts of Samuel that had not been taped. Everything else was covered in sticky, and occasional bits of ripped flesh from where the tape had been removed.  
4. Samuel screams at the same pitch that Lisa did. When she was three. Although I refrained from humiliating him further by telling him so - the peeling of the duck-tape was not kind to that man. He may not be able to procreate in the future. But if his entire genepool exhibits similar tendencies, prehaps that is for the best.  
5. There is a home-made remedy for a broken pinky - Joshua was too busy patching up our resident genius, so I had to take matters into my own hands. He saw me reaching for the bone-scanner-fixer-thing and screamed that I don't have a liscense to use that... TOO FREAKING BAD. Does he think I'm gonna stand around with my pinky sticking out at an alarming angle for the next 5 hours? I fixed it. ALL BY MYSELF, then wrapped a Spongebob bandaid around it just in case. Does that make me a medical professional? I think, yes.

By the time the ordeal was over, Samuel was none the worse for wear, and a few (okay, a _lot_) of skin grafts had him fixed right up. 5 gruelling, bloody, scream-filled hours later. I wasn't allowed to leave the room, not even for a snack break, because I had the glorious task of guarding the door as Joshua laboured over his patient. The tape all came off eventually, and the skin looked passably on its way to full recovery, so we decided to celebrate the fact that all three of us had survived the day in one piece - kinda.

We celebrated by flopping down on the comfy furniture in front of a big hologram-screen-thing that we connected to a satellite dish on the outside of the ship - we get all the best channels now. TLC is our personal favorite. Toddlers & Tiaras, Cake Boss, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, Strange Addictions, Baby Borrowers - we watch it all. Once we were caught up on all the favourites, we finished the night off with a re-run of today's Anna 'n' Chad Show. Samuel fell asleep face-down splayed across the couch, bunny slippers in the air and hand dangling in the bowl of popcorn. This didn't leave much room for Joshua and myself, so Joshua retreated to the new La-Z-Boy and I barricaded Samuel's section of the couch with some decorative throw pillows to avoid accidental contact. Then we settled into our favourite sport- popcorn target practice.

Joshua whispered, "1000 points if you hit Chad square in the -"

Cue loud snore from Samuel.

We lost track of points eventually. Joshua was supposed to be writing them down, however he was under the impression that I was writing them down.

I don't recall falling asleep, but we must have. Because I woke up with my face in the bowl of popcorn. Samuel hadn't moved from his spot on the couch, and Joshua had reclined his La-Z-Boy to a near horizontal angle. He was upside down, however. With his face snuggled happily into the foot rest and his feet dangling off the head pillow.

Why am I the one on the floor?

Typical.

I removed the popcorn that was embedded in my face, then awoke Joshua and Samuel with some lethal pillow-blows to the head. Samuel immediately rolled over and went back to sleep, but Joshua looked extremely alarmed and yelped that he'd forgotten to check on Agent Dandelion-Head.

Agent Dandelion-Head also goes by Dale Maddox. I refer to him as such because when you are looking down at him from a spaceship window...well, his head looks like a dandelion. Also, Dandelion sounds like Dale if you say it really fast. Kinda.

Ugh, the other day I was eating pizza - we ordered in, just to see if the delivery boy could make it to the Mothership. He came to us in handcuffs, being carried by the two biggest security goons, but the pizza got to us in the end. What was I talking about before pizza? Think Marcus, think!

Right.

The other day I was eating pizza, and Joshua told me to come hither because he had something "extremely cool" to show me. I thought it must be something typical, like a mutated eye or a severed reproduction organ - he sees a lot of interesting stuff in the medical bay. But he assured me it wasn't anything gross, and ushered me into the room to see Dandelion Head lying on the table, with half his dandelion hanging off.

"Blunt force trauma to the skull by a... sharp thingy!" Joshua informed me delightedly.

For some reason, I lost my appetite after that, and left my slice of pizza for Agent Dandelion-Head to enjoy when he woke up. Hey, the guy deserved it.

But there was a problem - I found out shortly before lunch as Joshua came careening into my room in a panic - Dale had been murdered!

My first thought was - damn! He missed out on one helluva pizza.

My second thought was a bit more appropriate - how?

"Lethal injec-I mean, I-I-I d-dunno! He's j-just D-D-D-DEAD" Joshua stammered.

I gace him the ol' death glare, he sounded suspicious.

I BET JOSHUA ATE THE PIZZA.

Bad Joshua. That was Dale's pizza!

Now comes the crappy part of my life - breaking the news to Anna that Agent Dandelion-Head has bit the dust.

_Later..._

I thought Joshua was done for. The whole time I was expecting her to whip out the tail and take his face off, but she just made him run along and round up the medical staff - hopefully they weren't too busy re-enacting Grey's Anatomy in the storage closets - for a full investigation. Gah, I hate those.

Apparently this is the first time there's been a murder one one of her ships. I'm absolutely astonished at this. At the rate we go, someone should be dying at least once a week.

I'm itching to tell Anna about my suspicions that Joshua is responsible - I mean, the pizza didn't just WALK out of the room. And Dale sure as hell didn't eat it.

After being dismissed by Anna, I found Joshua and confronted him about it, caught him alone in the hallway and backed him into a corner.

"I know you did it." I thundered terrifyingly. That's a word, right?

"I dunno what you're talking about." he sniffled. The guy looked terrified of my terrifyingly terrifyingness.

"I know what you are, you traitor." I continued, loving how he looked ready to wet himself.

Then his face went into a whole new level of terror.

"H-h-how d-did-d you kn-n-ow I-I'm Fif-?"

"Because dead men don't eat pizza." I hissed, cutting him off.

Now he looked confused.

"I don't follow."

"You stole Dale's pizza! If I'd left it for you, I would have put your name on it. YOU ARE A PIZZA THIEF." I clarified, wrapping it up quickly but still maintaining my intimidating persona.

For some reason, that statement seemed to cancel his fearful demeanor. First he looked stunned, then relieved, then incredulous.

"Oh, right. Um...yeah you got me, Marcus. I'm a pizza thief." he snorted, shuffling away while rolling his eyes.

"He was in a coma! A _coma_, Joshua! His pizza was defenseless, and you stole it!"

He kept walking, whistling a tune that sounded like "California Girls".

I don't know how that traitor lives with himself.

* * *

Yeah... a pizza thief. That's all Joshua is. Fifth Column? Never heard of it.

Now that this story's quite well established, I'd take some suggestions as to things I could add to future chapters - I don't wanna deviate from the show's storyline TOO much, but I already got one suggestion - Furbies are forthcoming. I wanna hear your ideas to show Marcus a good time xD

Well, I'm off to watch some rich slutty Marcus - I freakin LOVE this guy! Chris rocks my world.

Peace,Love,&Pizza.

RXP


	14. Hobos, Water Beds, and Scary Stuff

Oh hi! No school today since winter decided to come back...if I had a nickel for every time I've gotten snowbound this year, I could by rights to V and garuntee a third season. Anyway, I buckled down and got this finished up! This chapter took a bit longer cuz I was working on Visitors On Vacation, and chapter 1 is finally UP :D check it out!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Marcus & I love you to death :)

I don't own V or Wal-Mart. But I do get inspired by the site PeopleOfWalmart .com. SO freekin' funny :)

* * *

Basically I steered clear of Mr. Traitorpants (aka Joshua the pizza thief) for the next couple days.

Not like I had a choice since Anna had me assigned to follow Chad around the healing center and loom threateningly over his shoulder for a whole lot of hours.

I almost lost my lunch when he commented that the body scan "felt rather pleasant". What the eff is going through his mind? Such a weird little dude. I would have slipped an immolation pill into his Starbucks had I not known it would have been traced back to me somehow.

I had to watch Chad test all our equipment - taking ALL freaking day - including the bulletproof bandaids. I politely asked one of the technicians if Mr. Decker would be interested in sampling one of our complimentary breath mints (which were actually our new line of immolation pills that produce a variety of coloured flames) but the technician was on to my plot... damn. Thought I might get ahead that time.

But my long hours of slogging became worthwhile at the end of the day when I got to break him some killer-awesome news.

Guess who has a BRAIN TUMOUR! What do the humans say? LOL.

Seriously, I had a really really really hard time keeping a straight face for this one. So did he, I thought he was either gonna cry or wet himself. Or both. That would have made my day so enjoyable.

Go get your second opinion, Dick-I mean, Decker. I'll be right here waiting for you to come crawling back...

Actually no, scratch that - I'm going to bed!

At least that's what I wanted to do. I could practically taste my pillow, I was like 3 steps away from the door when I was intercepted by Anna.

And she was wearing her Hey-Marcus-I'm-About-To-Ruin-Your-Day expression.

She told me I have a new mission, and it is of the utmost importance to our species, it is necessary to our prosperity, I hold our fates in my hands, blah blah blah. Same thing she says every time I turn on the coffee machine.

At that point, all I was thinking was _PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS INVOLVE LASERS! _She never lets me use those things.

That's when she handed me...The List. And said, "I need you to make a quick Wal-Mart run for me. Take Samuel in case you need backup. Goodnight!"

I don't know what's worse, the fact that she thinks I need Samuel for backup, or the fact that I was on my way to Wal-Mart at 11:47 pm. Not to mention the fact that I don't know what half the stuff on the list actually is...

But like hell I was going alone with Samuel! Knowing him, I'd be lucky if I didn't wake up **A) **in jail or **B) **dead in a ditch the next morning. Samuel is a well-intentioned individual...but stuff happens! I was forced to enlist Joshua at this point, but gaining his assistance meant "admitting" that I was wrong, he wasn't a pizza thief, and the slice had simply walked out of the room under its own power.

I think he's been hanging out with Anna too much... the smugness was palpable.

Anyway, that was it - the boys are off on another adventure into the great unknown.

Load up the PARTY BUS :) !

(That sticker has to go...)

_Later.._

Wal-Mart makes McDonald's look like a perfectly ordinary place, let's just say that.

For example, there are all these rules. For example, shopping carts and motorized chair things both have wheels and baskets - but only one is meant to be ridden in. Go figure. We found this out the hard way.

I mean, it's a little confusing, since the shopping carts actually have seat belts attached to the basket. We put Samuel in one, for safe-keeping while we took care of The List, however we were informed by security that the basket is meant strictly for children under the age of 3.

Gimme a break! This is Samuel we're talking about!

Anyway, we got things sorted out and went on our way. It wasn't easy deciding how to approach this new challenge, literally. Joshua wanted to check the perimiter of the store before going in through the aisles. Samuel wanted to plow right through. I wanted to go back out the way we came - but that wasn't an option until the list was taken care of.

The List read as follows, including Anna's additional notations:

Starbucks premium roast coffee beans - _1 KILO OF EACH FLAVOUR. *If you cannot find Caramel Macchiato - do not bother coming home_.*  
Strawberry Flavour Apple Sauce  
Spicy chicken nuggets - _MUST BE THE GOURMET KIND._  
Partially Opaque Crimson Summer nail polish.  
Ice Cream, flavours: Rolo. Mint. Party Cake. Tutti Frutti. Cookie Dough. _DO NOT PURCHASE VANILLA UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.  
_Lemonade - PINK.  
Succotash.  
Animal crackers.  
Chocolate milk.  
Arthur's Fruit Smoothies - _1 _ _OF EACH FLAVOUR EXCEPT GREEN._  
Tampons.  
Band-aids.  
Cheerios.  
Strawberries -_NO MOLDY ONES._  
Toothbrush - _MUST HAVE A 3/4'' HANDLE AND RUBBER TONGUE-CLEANING BRISTLES. MUST BE FDA-APPROVED.  
_12 Assorted Blu-Ray movies -_DO NOT GET STUPID ONES.  
_

Between the three of us, we had a fair concept of what everything was - we were only stumped on two items - succotash and tampons.

At this point, we decided it would be more efficient if we split up - plus neither of us really wanted to be seen with Samuel - he's one of those people who feels the need to touch everything on the shelves. We dropped him off in the electronics department and assigned him to take care of the movies. Joshua went off to look for the healthy food, and I took it upon myself to take care of the better-tasting things of life, as well as the non-edibles.

The coffee, nail polish, lemonade, and chicken nuggets were easy enough, once I wandered into the food section by sheer luck. And I thought the interior of the Mothership was difficult to navigate. But I found my items eventually. The animal crackers got a little difficult - there was only one box and I had to fight an old lady for it. Yeesh.

I made a break for it before she knew what hit her, then I ran into Joshua who'd taken care of the toothbrush, band-aids, applesauce, fruit smoothies, cheerios, and strawberries . Good news, turns out succotash is a type of bean. Why we need succotash on the Mothership is beyond me, but if it keeps us from getting skinned...

There was one last thing. The matter of Tampons. We had not obtained any further information as to what they might be. But I figured they couldn't be any more difficult to locate than the succotash. So I chased down a salesperson and simply asked to point me in the direction of the tampons. She did so, while looking very suspicious. We followed the directions and found ourselves in an aisle containing many strange items the likes of which I have never seen before.

"Ummm... maxi-pads, adult diapers, extra-absorbant, ultra-thin, wow! Look at all this!" said Joshua gleefully, piling samples into the cart. "We're running low on bandage stuff in the medical bay, this is perfect!"

Somehow this situation just didn't feel quite comfortable.

After a few minutes of scanning the shelves, we spotted the infernal tampons. The only problem, there was an entire 3 shelves devoted to various different types.

I picked up the nearest box and turned it over. Nothing about this made sense!

"But...what is it FOR?" Joshua demanded. He'd opened a box and unwrapped one, and was waving it around, much to the dirty looks of other shoppers.

THEN something flew out of the opened box, I grabbed it... the instruction manual.

I skimmed it briefely, managed to not have a heart attack, then looked up at my comrade.

"Um...Joshua. Drop the thing. Right now."

"Why? What is it?"

I tossed him the instruction manual. I could tell by his facial expression that he immediately saw the how-to-use diagrams.

He screamed, and I do mean SCREAMED, threw the opened...um, female device...at my face, then bolted out of the aisle, knocking over a stand of body wash on his way.

I gathered up every bit of courage I had, grabbed the nearest box of female devices, shoved it into the cart - safely out of sight beneath the animal crackers, and followed Joshua as fast as possible.

I found him sitting on a bench by the door, looking very shaken. I bought him a chocolate bar to cheer him up, then we headed off to find Samuel and put an end to this disturbing mission.

However, we managed to get blissfully lost in the mattress department en route. Joshua tested out a water bed by jumping so high he nearly took out a light fixture. Security told him to stop hopping - he stopped so suddenly he came crashing down and the bed more or less exploded. While dodging the flood, I escaped into a king-size canopy set with enough pillows to satisfy anyone's wildest dreams. The only problem was, I didn't realize there was already someone in it. I was violently chased out by a - what's the human term? Hobo. I learned that his name is Shy Pete and that's HIS bed. I escaped with only a minor contusion and burn - he threw a Lava Lamp at my retreating back.

Once we were kicked out of the bedroom department - Shy Pete laughed loudly from his bed as Security threatened us -we made a break for the electronics to see how Samuel was progressing. However, we got waylaid because we were stampeded by a horde of runaway shopping carts - apparently this building was constructed on a downhill slope. We ran for our lives down an aisle that turned out to be a dead end - yikes. And Samuel wasn't even here to serve as a human shield! It turned out alright in the end though - we dove into a pile of beanbag chairs and hoped for the best. We emerged with minor cuts and bruises, then set off to finally retrieve Samuel and get out of the store before anything else went awry.

We found him lying in the middle of the demo-TV section, opened blu-ray cases and discs scattered around him, and various movies playing on the half-dozen TVs. He looked terribly terribly stressed, but at least he wasn't taped to a wall.

"How do I know which ones are stupid and which ones aren't?" he wailed as we walked up.

I glanced down at the list - there it was, clear and simple, Anna's demand: _DO NOT GET STUPID ONES. _

I took charge of the situation - hijacked a Sharpie from the sales desk, snatched up the 12 nearest movies, and scribbled "Non-stupid. Certified by Wal-Mart Corporation, U.S.A." on each of them.

My reasoning was, if she totally hated the movies, it wouldn't be my skin on the line - she'd come after the Wal-Mart board of directors. And that was plenty fine with me!

* * *

Yes... I made the poor boys go on a tampon run. That was inspired by the Kotex commercials where a girl outside a store is like, Hey dude, run in there and get me some tampons? And the guy's all squeamish and ewwwyyy. And I thought to myself...omg Marcus. WHAT IF? Combined with the fact that they don't even know what the 'devices' are for... xD they do now!  
**I know it's highly unrealistic that the Visitors would actually NEED tampons...different systems and all...but humour me for humour's sake :)

And if any guys happen to be reading this, I do not apologize for making you feel very awkward :]

Marcus: *hides*

Review please, keep it going! Also check out Visitors On Vacation! If you like this you'll like that.

RXP

We paid for our loot and made a break for the shuttle - this parking lot is much more friendly than the McDonald's one.

As we took to the sky with our merchandise in hand, I examined my various wounds and made a mental note:

For future visits to Wal-Mart, WEAR PROTECTIVE BODY ARMOUR. BEWARE OF HOBOS AND SHOPPING CARTS. AND STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE FEMALE HYGEINE AISLE.

Next time Anna needs someone to make a late-night supply run, particularly if it involves tampons, Decker can take care of it.


	15. Avatars and Sexy Singles In Your Area

Eeek, i'm awful for not updating this in forever :/ and this isn't even a good chapter... more of a crapter, really.

I don't own V or Avatar.

Thanks to everyone who's been reviewing :) 74 reviews, um WOW :D

* * *

The next day, I'd barely gotten my morning coffee into me when Samuel trotted into the kitchen, poured himself a chocolate milk, sat down beside me, and said:

"When we go home to our planet, we should invite the Avatars over for supper!"

I didn't ask. I just stared at him over my I heart NY coffee mug.

"Y'know, the Avatars! From the movie Avatar? The blue people!"

Clearly someone has gotten into the stash of Wal-Mart movies.

I informed him that they're called the Na'Vi, and they're not real. His facial expression looked like that of a kid who'd been denied Christmas.

"They live in trees for Pete's sake! Damned if they're getting forest germs all over our ships. We are not inviting them anywhere."

That was Joshua. He'd just walked in. I glared at him.

"I mean, yeah. What Marcus said. They're not real."

After he'd gotten his coffee and cereal, he quietly asked me if I was 100% sure that the Na'Vi weren't real. C'mon Joshua! You should know better.

Well, I left Joshua and Samuel to debate the accuracy of Avatar, and headed off to report to Anna. Yay...

When I got to the scheming/dictating room, she smiled eerily and thanked me for last night's Wal-Mart run. Yeah, because I really had a choice.  
Anyway, I had to pass her a memo I'd just recieved - the rest of the gang (the gang being our fleet of 500-something Motherships. Or, Otherships as I call them.) Turned out, the Otherships had mis-coordinated their GPSs, and had accidentally taken a wrong turn by the Milky Way, and had ended up 6 solar systems away from where they were supposed to be. But they'd rectified their mistake and were currently en route - the correct one.

I informed Anna of this, she looked so happy I was afraid she might hug me or something - eek. But no, she went back to her usual smug self and continued staring out the window - sometimes I wonder what's so interesting out there... Then I stop wondering and go have another coffee.

###

It was a fairly quiet day. I had to go pay Decker a check-up visit, but it wasn't that bad... I got to hide behind the vending machine and step out as he walked by, subsequentially terrifying him into hysterics. Then I asked him if he'd decided whether or not to let us dispose of his deadly brain tumour, and apparently that didn't help the situation because he threw a stapler at my face and ran out of the building.  
After all the things that have been thrown at my face, I'm suprised I still have a face to throw things at.  
Once I'd taken care of business (if you could call it that) with Chad, I had to run a few more standard errands, such as appear at a press conference regarding the Healing centers. It was a minor one, so Anna had decided it wouldn't be worth her time, and sent me to fly solo. I wasn't looking forwards to it, but in the end I decided she had missed out - they gave out some spectacular mini-sandwiches.  
After that, I had to sign a couple documents - insurance, liability waivers, press release, and such. It took me a couple tries, but I eventually spelled my name right - hey, human letters are hard to adjust to. V symbols are much simpler. I felt a little awkward leaving the Surname line blank, but the thing is, no two Vs have the same first name, so we only need one name, which is given to us when we are...um...humanized. So if nothing else goes right in my life, at least I'll be the one and only Marcus.

###

I thought my day was ony going to wind down from there, but when I got home Anna had a new assignment waiting for me - basically I had to find her a selection of perfect men so she could cook up a new batch of little soldiers. Why do I sense a whole lot of babysitting in my future? Maybe she'd clone me if I asked politely.

Anyway, she gave me her list of necessary traits she liked in a man, and left me to find her a Mr. Right. I logged online and clicked the first "Sexy Singles in Your Area" ad that popped up. Unfortunately, that got me nowhere because there was no categories for Visitors looking for a one-night stand and 1000+ children. So it was on to Plan B - get the other 28 ships on the line and tell 'em to each send over their biggest, toughest, dumbest soldier. Anna had specifically requested one that lacked intelligent DNA, because it would make it easier for her brain's genetics to take over.  
So that was it, I pulled up a chair, poured a cup of coffee, listened to Samuel state his case about why 'Avatars' might be real. How many times do I have to tell him? They're not called Avatars, they're the freakin' NA'VI. End of story! And I don't care how real they are, they're not getting on MY spaceship.

###

After that excruciatingly long day filled with planning and pitfalls and things getting thrown at my face, Anna's troop of male bimbos had finally assembled, and she was getting ready to pick out Mr. Right. She prowled between them, looking...extremely hungry. How odd, usually her nutrition specialists are waiting on her constantly. If she misses a meal, people get hurt. Anyway, she hovered between Sherman and Harvey for a moment - for some reason I felt extremely glad I wasn't standing in line - and then she decided on Sherman.

Sherman seemed to be under the impression that he'd just scored - big time. I got news for you, buddy. You've just joined the legion of Anna's many bitches. From now on, it's a life of slavery for you, my friend. That's right, dry cleaning AND diaper duty when the kiddos hatch. I might even be off the hook! What a concept that is.

That's right, Sherman. You're the new bitch in town.

On a side note, that hungry look on Anna's face is making me seriously uncomfortable. Maybe I should go make her a sandwich before she does something crazy, like eat someone alive. Hmm... nah. That's silly. She'd never do that.

* * *

Heh, you know what happens next...

I hope I update this again pretty soon :/ but a VOV update will come first since it's already been started!

Also, please check out me and Greendogg's collab Rebound. C'mon. I know I only wrote like 5% of it, but it's posted under my name so you better show it some love xD

RXP


	16. An Apology and a Gift

So... hi. I know, I'm a tool and a half for not updating... but I'm back now! Like, hardcore back! I'm re-obsessed with all things Lizard and I'm ready to rock this fandom again :D

This isn't a real chapter, just a tester to see how many of you are still out there, reading this fandom or checking your update alerts for signs of MSD life. I WANNA SEE ALL OF YOU BACK HERE FOR MORE MARCUS FUN :)

This is my gift to you, however lame it may be. A real chapter is halfway done. Enjoy!

* * *

List Twelve characters form your favorite fandom, any order!  
1. Erica  
2. Hobbes  
3. Anna  
4. Chad  
5. Marcus  
6. Jack  
7. Lisa  
8. Tyler  
9. Ryan  
10. Joshua  
11. Samuel  
12. Georgie

###

1) Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fanfic before?  
Jack/Samuel. Oh hellll naw.

2) Do you think Four is hot? How hot?  
Chad. If not hot, definitley cute. In his makeout with Anna dream he does have a nice little bod :)

3) What would happen if Three got Four pregnant?  
If Anna got Chad pregnant... I wouldn't put it past Anna to actually try that. Baaad images.

4) Do you recall any fics about Nine?  
Actually I don't think I've ever read a Ryan-centric fic.

5) Would Two and Eleven make a good couple?  
Hobbes and Samuel. Oh lord...

6) Five/Eight or Five/Ten?  
Marcus/Tyler or Marcus/Joshua. Rather than answer that question, I'll just immolate myself.

7) What would happen if One walked in on Five and Six having sex?  
Erica, Marcus/Jack. She would jump off the Mothership and immolate herself on the way down for sure. At least that's what I'd reccomend.

8) Make up a summary of a Three/Ten fic.  
Anna and Joshua...um... play doctor?

9) Is there any such thing as a One/Eight fluff?  
Erica/Tyler. Family-fluff, sure. But any other form of fluff, I seriously hope not.

10) Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve Hurt/Comfort fic.  
Lisa/Georgie. As he's getting tortured, "Don't Worry Georgie, I'll Bring You Some Pizza When Mother Isn't Looking." Actually that'd be more like something Marcus would do...

11) What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four to de-flower One?  
Chad/Erica. Umm... Chad poisons Anna's coffee, and then that's his reward from Erica? Ick.

12) Does anyone on your friends list read Three het?  
Anna. Ummm sure.

13) What might 3 scream at a moment of great passion?  
Anna. I think the only men who know the answer to that have been eaten, but I'd guess she'd yell "WORLD DOMINATION IS MINE!" for sure.

14) If you wrote a song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose?  
Tyler. "Baby" by J. Biebs. (gag me with a spork)

15) If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be?  
Erica/Jack/Georgie. "Warning... do not read."

16) What might be a good pick-up line for 1 to use on Two?  
Erica/Hobbes. She wouldn't have to say anything at all xD

17) When was the last time you read a fic about Five  
Marcus. When I re-read MSD the other day :) really, the only Marcus fics are my fics... so far.

18) Who would make a better college professor: 6, or 11?  
Jack or Samuel. I'd go with Jack, Samuel would probably eat the erasers or something...

19) Do you think 2 is hot? How hot?  
Hobbes, is absolutely smokin.

20) 12 sends 8 on a mission. What is it, and does it succeed?  
Georgie sends Joshua to embed the JOHN MAY LIVES :D message into the tv thingy, and he succeeded :) oh wait, I think that was Ryan... nevermind,

21) What would 5 most likely be arrested for?  
Marcus. HAHAHAHAHA. Ummm... wearing the wrong colour tie. Definitely.

22) If you had to walk home through a bad neighborhood late at night, would you feel safer in the company of 7 or 8?  
Lisa or Tyler. Well Lisa would be a rapist/pedophile magnet, and Tyler is Tyler so either way I'd be screwed.

23) What would 3 do if he found 2 and together?  
Anna finds Hobbes and Chad... skin them both. xD

24) Make a summary about 1 and 4.  
Erica and Chad. "The tale of a simple FBI agent and a Newscaster who find themselves plummeted into a world of bitchy lizards and colourful ties."

25) Can you make a 2 ,3 and 10 lemon?  
Hobbes, Anna Joshua. I'd definitely prefer not to.

26) Did you read a 9 and 8 fic yet?  
Tyler and Ryan... nope.

27) what would 7 do if they found 9 in bed with 5.  
Lisa, Ryan/Marcus. She'd do what any sensible person would do and pour bleach into her eyes.

28) Will you make a 1 and 4 lemon  
Erica/Chad. I think I'll pass.

29) Do you think that 7 and 4 makes a perfect yuri couple?  
Lisa/Chad. I don't know what yuri is, but those two shouldn't be together in any universe.

30) What would happen if 4 walked in on 1 having sex with 6...  
Chad, Erica/Jack. He'd probably tape it and sell it to WNT... then get shot by Erica.

* * *

Please review if you're still out there so I know I'm not the only one who wants this fic to continue! :)

RXP


	17. John May Lives :D

Yeah my excuses for not updating are as shitty as ever, so I won't even try xD

This one kind of covers episode...jeez what are we on...5? 6? It's the one where Georgie gets captured. And a bit of the one after that. I think. I dunno man, it's been a while.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Marcus loves you!

* * *

Unfortunately, despite my best wishes, the choosing of Sherman did not relieve me from my Bitch Duties. In fact, I haven't seen him since the night Anna selected him from the crop of muscleheads. Either she's got him doing deep undercover work, or else he fell down the laundry hatch. Samuel casually wondered if he'd been eaten. Where _does _that fellow get his crazy ideas? Oh well, maybe Sherman will turn up in a few years.

Meanwhile, I had more pressing issues than locating my fellow bitch. I was rudely awakened early one Saturday morning by Samuel's face hovering about 3 inches from mine. I'm not ashamed to say I screamed loudly enough to wake the entire planet, and then gave Samuel a dazzling black eye. He screamed even louder than I, and proceeded to sit down on the floor - _my_ floor! - and cry his eyes out. I could understand why he was upset, but he had no business being in my suite at 6:11 am. But then I realized there surely must be a serious problem if Samuel was up before 9, so I decided to hear him out. It wasn't easy, considering he can't speak coherently and cry at the same time. But within several minutes of sobbing miserably (on Samuel's part) coaxing and nodding like a phsycotherapist (on my part), Samuel was able to explain that there had been an explosion on the L.A. Mothership, with many deaths and damaged equipment and all that day-ruining stuff.

Why did I get the feeling that I'd personally have to go clean it up?

###

_Later..._

Well, I didn't have to literally go clean up the exploded ship by hand, but Anna assigned me an equally unappealing task. Joshua and I had been awarded the grand job of Fifth Column (Woops. I thought it was _Sixth.) _elimination. It's one of those things where she gives me a vague order and expects me to completely solve the problem. Things like that leads to incidents like the Great Duck Tape Adventure...

But that wasn't the only item on my rapidly lengthening to-do list. Because apparently Anna's monogrammed kleenexes weren't enough to let the world know she was an incredibly important person - at least in her own mind. She decided it had become necessary to appoint a person to make a speech about her upcoming speech. The appointee was myself, and the topic was _*cringe* _the Live-Aboard Program.

Yes, you heard me. As if the constant guided tours weren't enough, the little people would be coming to _live _with us. As in, sleeping in our beds, drinking from our cups, touching our stuff, and using our toilets. I asked Anna if this meant I would be getting a roomate, and made a resolution to hurl myself out of the scheming/dictating room window if she said yes. However, she did not give me a concrete answer, so I decided to hold off on the suicide till further notice.

Besides, I get to make my very own speech.

###

_Even Later..._

I feel my speech went exceptionally well. Of course I wasn't allowed to wear the cactus-coloured tie I'd picked for the occasion (it was confiscated by security, who stated _"Sorry, Marcus. You know the rules._") and Samuel provided a muchly unwelcomed distraction by standing in the front row and loudly whispering _"Don't screw up!"_ but nonetheless I enjoyed a brief moment in the spotlight without the merry Queen of the Vs breathing down my tie-less neck. However, I had Samuel instead, which was a whole 'nother kind of awkward - we learned the hard way that he's allergic to the shuttle's in-flight peanuts.

And to make matters worse, when we got back to the Mothership Joshua was too busy to give poor Sam an antidote for the rather alarming swelling that had overtaken his face. Joshua was busy compiling a video of random stuff to use for an 'empathy test'. Pffft, if we need to weed out the wimps from the BAMFs (_BAMF - _a term I learned from... never mind where I learned it) all Anna needs to do is stick 'em in a room with a Jersey Shore marathon. Then we'll see who's mind is corrupted. But she decided to go with a total devastation theme, which I suppose was much more Anna-esque. And who doesn't love watching things explode?

###

_Even Even later…_

Apparently Phillip doesn't like watching things explode. Or villages burning. Or people being chopped into little bits. Yes… my trusted advisor is a… wimp. He failed the empathy test by some tiny margin. And that was that. I know I should probably be feeling a little bit upset that he's currently being skinned as I write this, but I'm distracted by the fact that Samuel and Joshua are having some sort of hang-out…in the drug storage room…without me. I saw them scampering down the hall and demanded to know where they were going. Joshua yelled something about being late for a Jersey Shore marathon. I didn't push the issue because I loathe the orange drunkards and have no wish to partake in such a marathon, but something was suspicious… why would they be hosting it in the drug storage centre? The TVs down there utterly _suck. _Yes, definitely suspicious. And then I saw some black bald stranger poking around who looked vaguely familiar… but he had an ID, so of course he was legit.

Oh, what's this? My name being screamed over the intercom along with something about the Fifth Column? This might actually be interesting…

G2G BRB TTYL -learned that from Lisa.

###

_Very much later…_

BEST. DAY. EVER.

It's like my birthday came early. It's better than a trunkful of ties. It's cooler than making my own pre-speech speech.

That's right.

SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENED.

Several hours ago, security captured a _real, live, Fifth Column dude. _Apparently he killed a guard (can't say you didn't have it coming, Lawence) and then had an absolute hissy fit out by the shuttle docking station. As of now he's hanging out with my torture specialist pal from the Tokyo mothership… I can't spell his name to save my life so I refer to him as Doctor Pain.

BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST INTENSE PART.

After a while, Dr. Pain kicked me out of the interrogation room because my glare was undermining him. Or at least that's what I thought was happening. Anyway. Joshua, Samuel and I took our usual seats -popcorn at the ready- to watch Anna's official speech regarding the live-aboard program. It was pretty typical, with rampant smiling and multitudes of big happy-sounding words (gag me with a spork) until, without warning…

_JOHN MAY LIVES :D_

Splayed across the giant screen in all its glory. And yes, that was one of those hateful little emoticons at the end. I could practically feel Anna's rage from the other end of the ship.

Shit, my friends, is about to go _down._

* * *

__FFS it's shorter than I remember...

Oh yeah, i finally did the John May Lives :D. I've been waiting so long... bwaaha.

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas or whatever you happen to celebrate. AND MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT MY CHRISTMAS ONESHOT, _That's The Eggnog Talking. _For something thrown together at the last minute on Christmas Eve, it's not awful xD

Updates to come (maybe hopefully idk) for Visitors on Vacation too.

PLEASE REVIEW. EVERY LITTLE WORD HELPS :)

Peace, Love, and John May :D

RXP


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